Mr. Game Manager's highest single season completion rate was a whopping 59 percent. The "lucky" beneficiary? Cleveland.
Hey, Dickhead.
What's up, DilBust? You got a few minutes?
You did know that Buccaneer Lori has been watching you, don't you? All these years, she's been watching. Not closely. You weren't worth the time. But BL keeps her ears open. She has sources. And her sources tell her that you've been a big, fat, phony your whole career.
Got a question, babe. Did you take lessons from your former Ravens teammate, Tony Siragusa, on how to run to any television camera you see like a starving dog running to a bowl of Alpo?
This bothers me. You bother me. It's bad enough my Bucs pissed away years, money, and a first rounder on some overrated QB from Fresno State in 1994, but now I have to see your stupid face on ESPN all the time. And before that, on the NFL Network.
It's always the same thing with you, huh Pilfer? At least it was during your career, right? Great guy, team guy, great game manager, blah blah blah blah.
Well, Mr. Great Teammate, the first thing you did after being drafted was......hold out.
Anyway, I won't go too much into the gory details of your Tampa Bay days. It's too painful. Funny how your best season came when we got Warrick Dunn and Mike Alstott.
What a co-inkeedink! Your career got better when he got really good running backs!
Your last four seasons.....58 touchdowns passes. Huh. That's.....14.5 a year. And I'm not even including that horrid rookie year that made all of us nearly overdose on Excedrin.
Oh, you did throw for a 2,700 thousand yards each of those years. That works out to 168 yards a game. Right. Shit, look out Peyton! You got company!
Thanks Wikipedia, for the stats. I had blocked them from my memory.
Anyway, you were so awesome, the Bucs let you go in favor of....Shaun King. Enough said.
It was tough seeing you go though. I mean, you can only attend so many celebration parties in one offseason. You can only drink so many bottles of champaign. You can only cry so many tears of joy.
You're resilient though, Mr. Great Teammate, and soon you found another leg to hump. And you took command (snicker, ha ha, larf) of the Ravens offense after replacing the immortal Tony Banks. Well, if you consider riding that defense and handing the ball off 100 times a game to Jamal Lewis to be "taking command".
And then one day, you, of all people.....had a fucking Super Bowl ring. One horrible day, awful, evil day.....you were a Super Bowl winning quarterback.
Make. Me. Puke.
But you were so great, the Ravens rewarded your efforts by releasing you after you "managed" them to the title and signing Elvis Grbac. I would've done the same thing, Mr. Game Manager.
Game manager, my ass. Game managers, good ones at least, actually can complete more than five passes a game. Calling you a game manager is an insult to the great game managers of the past, like Montana, Young, Theismann (another douchebag), and to a lesser extent, the guy whose water you carried in Seattle, Matt Hasslebeck. It's the kind of QB I project BQ to be.
I hate it when journeymen QBs are called "game managers". There's a lot to being a successful game manager. They win with their brains as much as their arms.
Game managers run offenses. They complete lots of precise timing passes. They do a ton more than just stick their fucking arm out and give the ball to the running back and complete a few screen passes. They move the chains.
Game managers don't just prevent their teams from losing; game managers guide their teams to victory with intelligence, caution, smart passing, lots of completions, and, well, leadership.
You sir, have none of those qualities or skills.
Trent, anybody can perform the rather simple process of telling the offense what play is being run, making the count, and handing off the football and running in the opposite direction. That's not game management; it's game maintenance, and there's a huge difference between the two. A game manager wins games; a game maintenance QB just struggles not to lose games and lets his teammates compensate for his lack of skills.
You'd know about that. You'd know a lot about that. So would Ray "Stabby-Stabby" Lewis, Siragusa, Jamal Lewis, Jonathan Ogden and the rest of your Ravens teammates--they had to carry you.
So off you went to Seattle. Oh, you won a few there while you started in place of Hasslebeck. Uh huh. And we all know how you did it, didn't you? You handed the ball of a lot, made incredibly safe screen and dump off passes, and maintained like no other.
Sooooooooooooooooooooo.......you got injured. Well, that was the only reason you got to start to begin with in Seattle--an injury to the incumbent QB. A healthy Matt Hasslebeck was clearly much more talented than you, and you had only been signed to back him up to begin with. Matt reclaimed his starting spot and you returned to Home Sweet Home: the bench.
In 2005, the Cleveland Browns fell victim to the dual myths of you being Mr. Great Guy and Mr. Game Manager. Yah. They had just drafted a kid out of Akron named Charlie Frye. You would start there until he was ready. They needed a mentor and team guy, and hey, who is more of a team guy than you, huh? So they sent a pick to Seattle and off to Cleveland you went!
Another city to con. Another team to suck for. Another fan base to disappoint. Another wave of "Hey, Trent's a GAH-RATE team guy!". Yah.
So how'd you do? Well, you sucked so much Charlie was deemed "ready" before he really was. Hey, I know I was shocked to the very core of my being.
Hey, Dildouche, do you remember that slant route in Pitt? Braylon Edwards was wide open, cutting over the middle. Put the ball in his hands and it's 80 yards of green turf ahead of him. Yah, you overthrew him by a few feet. I remember the camera angle: all green in front of Edwards. Complete that pass, the Browns take a lead and maybe pull out a win.
If....but....uh....ah....maybe.....oh so close! The story of your career! It's always sumtin'!
So later on in the season, the Browns wanted Charlie to take a few snaps during a beatdown of the Dolphins. You, being a mentor, would have no problem with that, right?
How did you react, Mr. Great Guy?
You sulked at the end of the bench. You whined to the media. In short, you probably made the kid feel like garbage. That's the real Trent Dilfer, Trent. A real "great guy" would've encouraged the kid, congratulated him, and kept his anger to himself. You weren't being pulled for good. They just wanted to give the kid some game time experience in a game in which they had a big lead. You could've been a great guy, like your pr agent says you are.
But not you, Mr. Swell. Nope.
After the season, in May 2006, you wanted out of Cleveland. The official reason: you didn't like the then offensive-coordinator, Maurice Carthon. That was probably true. Carthon was widely considered to be incompetent (Parcells wouldn't let him call plays in Dallas), arrogant, and unapproachable. Boyfriend even told me that Carthon called the wrong blocking schemes.
Well, Dilwood, you could've sucked it up and do what most working people do: work through it.
Oh wait. Real men and real women suck it up. You, on the other hand, threatened to take your ball and go home. Uh huh. You said you'd retire if you weren't traded. You know what the real reason you wanted out? A kid fresh out of the MAC was already your equal.
You saw the handwriting on the wall. You had proven once again that you was merely mediocre.
Hey, remember how you wanted revenge on the Ravens the first time you started against them as a Brown? I can still hear Baltimore laughing. What a fucking joke.
So the Browns just said, "Whatever." They sent you to the 49ers. They got a 7th rounder and, ironically, Ken Dorsey, who has done what you never would: mentor young QBs. He worked with DA. He worked with Charlie. And he's spent the last two seasons working with BQ.
That is what a real teammate is all about, Dildoof. That's a real "great guy".
Well, I'm sure the good folks in SF were ready for a mentor for Alex Smith (judging from Smith's disappointing career, I'm sure that you actually did mentor him). And the mediocre game maintenance guy that is you started a few games for them when Smith was injured. Smith came back and was ineffective and you started some more.
Oh, on and on I go. Same old story. You started only because everyone around you sucked. That should've been your retirement speech: "I was less horrible than the other QBs."
Sometime near the end of your last season, you started showing up on the NFL Network.
Oh, look what great guy Trent was doing! So humble! Such a nice feller! Aw shucks!
You were prepping your sorry ass for a television career. Trent, I think I even saw you on there the day before a 49ers game. You weren't starting by that time, so I guess you thought it was more important to be whoring yourself on the NFL Network than to be prepping for the next day's game. Nah, more important to be auditioning than to help your team.
Whatever.
And Trent, sure as shit, after the season, the 49ers did what so many other teams have done: told you to get the fuck out. You didn't care. You had injured yourself in the offseason playing basketball (wow, what a shock for such an athlete; you probably dibbled it off your tiny nutsack), and said you had been planning to retire anyway.
Of course. ESPN (sucks) came a-calling and you took that gig faster than you could overthrow Yao Ming on an alley oop or hit a corner on the numbers.
Sorry about the mixed metaphor, Trent. I know things like that confuse you.
And guess what? You're still a flop. You still suck. That cheap shot session you took against your former coach and your former GM in C-Town showed just what you are: a bitter hack.
A hack QB. A hack mentor (how'd your protege David Carr do in the NFL?). A hack commentator. A hack person. You're a whiny bitch, and nothing else.
You're a fraud, Dilsuck. You always have been. You're a hypocrite. You always have been.
So last night, I'm all excited. I can watch me some college football. Oh. Fresno State versus Nevada. WAC game. Huh. Well, that's okay. So I hop on my computer and just have the game on as background noise. And what do my ears pick up?
"Hey, look who we found!" said one of the announcers.
OH FUCK ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS?
And there you were, jackass, smiling your phony, shit-eating smile, holding a mic, and sucking up all the attention and watered-down glory you could get. The patron saint of terrible QBs was basking in the glow of a battle of a WAC game. The Great Guy had returned home to his roots.
Trent, what kind of pathetic loser flies from CT to CA to see a meaningless WAC game? Oh, a pathetic loser who knows that his employer is covering the game! And it was your old school! Of course YOU'D be there! The legend! I bet the fans all accidentally wet themselves when he showed up!
"Hey, dude. That's TRENT DILFER!" "THE Trent Dilfer?" "Yeah!" "I hope I can suck at my job and make as much as he did!" "Yeah, that guy rules! I'm totally skipping my trig exam on Monday in honor of Trent!"
Hey, I bet you even show up to all of the Fresno State games that ESPN doesn't televise! Yah, uh huh. Sure you do, starving Alpo dog. Sure you do.
I can see you begging your bosses at ESPN (sucks) to let you fly out to make your "surprise" appearance. "I'll pay for the flight! Just put me on the air! PLEASE!"
Yeah, you're the guy who called an NFL team "dysfunctional". Shit, look who's talking. Yeah, if anyone knows dysfunctional, it's a loser like you. If anything, dumping your sorry ass proves the Browns are at least functional at some level.
Oh....one more thing about that whole rant against benching DA? You and Derek share the same agent. (Wow, ESPN. How many conflicts of interest are needed to actually tell a guy like this to shut up?)
BL opposed benching DA for all the right reasons; you, Diljerk, opposed it for all the wrong reasons. How typical. How not surprising. How very, very Trent Dilfer. Nothing says "Dilfer" than doing something self-serving and indulgent.
Dilbitch, I probably could've kept my yap shut had you not gone and ripped your former coach and an honorable man, Romeo Crennel as well as Phil Savage. Oh, not that you did it by name. Nooooooo.....you just referred to "that organization".
I'm not a Browns fan. But that would've offended me no matter who you attacked. You aren't credible. You attacked not to defend DA, but to take cheap shots at a team you mistakenly think treated you unfairly.
This has nothing to do with you being a bad QB. There's no fault in that. Many have tried, many have failed. Hey, you were good enough to hang around for many years. No, my issue with you is your attitude and that you're a phony. My issue is with you, not your skills (snicker).
In other words, it's a lack of character issue, not your lack of talent issue.
Don't blame the Browns for giving you what you wanted. Don't blame the Browns for realizing what three other teams before them did: that you are not a good quarterback. You're barely mediocre. That's your fault and nobody else's.
Yeah, Trent. You're a great guy. You're swell. Great team guy. Great person. A great locker room presence. A team leader. A positive influence.
Right Trent. You're all that.
And I'm still a virgin.
(Originally posted on 11-09-2008)
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