One, if you don't like what I predict for your team, too fucking bad. It's a prediction, nothing more. It's like NFL fans who get pissed off at mock drafts. I hate fans that take this stuff so fucking personally.
Two, go make your own if you don't like mine. I don't care.
Three, if you disagree, feel free to say so. If you're an ass, I'll treat you like one. If you're respectful, I'll give that back. Your choice.
Okay? Glad we're clear on this.
Oh, and just to let you know, I went on record in 2007 and picked the Giants to beat the invincible Pats. We all know how THAT worked out.
Hey, Randy Moss? Was I right or was I right?
"Straight cash, homie!"
NFC EAST
Dallas, 11-5
I don't know why, but I just think this team is going to play at its talent level, which is pretty high. I can't stand the Ryan family (especially that foot-licking Jets coach, Rex), but they do know what they're doing. And Rob is the d-coordinator for Dallas now. I think the defense will overcome its holes and Garrett will have this team focused and fired up.
Philadelphia 9-7
I'm crazy? Maybe I am. But how often do teams that "win" free agency win the real championship? Rarely. The main concern is this O-line. At this point, Philly's still shuffling around offensive linemen. Scary to be doing that so close to the regular season. Something's really wrong here. Also, naming their O-line coach to be their defensive coordinator was a bit of an odd choice. I love me some Andy Reid, but......
NY Giants 8-8
Injuries have already hurt this team badly.
Washington 5-11
John Beck or Rex Grossman? Really? REALLY? Oh, that's okay. Running back Tim Hightower can carry the offense.
LOL I say, LOL.
NFC WEST
St. Louis 10-6
That's right. Steve Spagnuolo has his front 7 in place, a franchise QB in Sam Bradford and a very good O-coordinator in Josh McDaniels. Stephen Jackson still has a few strong years left and will be spelled by Cadillac Williams. The WRs remain a question mark, although Mike Sims-Walker was a nice free agent signing (although Sidney Rice would've been nicer).
Arizona 9-7
I LOVE Kevin Kolb. And I LOVE Larry Fitzgerald. And I swoon over the prospect of Kolb to Fitzgerald over and over again. I don't trust this defense, though. And when Beanie Wells is your main RB.....well......let's just say you don't have to worry about putting 8 men in the box.
Talk about just a guy.
San Francisco 6-10
Alex Smith. Colin Kaepernick. Yeah.
And Frank Gore might miss some playing time. And don't give me Braylon Edwards helping in Michael Crabtree's absence. It's one overrated WR filling in for another. The Jets were so in love with Edwards that they let him walk and signed Plaxico Burress--and it was an upgrade.
Seattle 4-12
LMAO Really? Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst? Really? Bad O-line. No receivers of note. Expect Marshawn Lynch's wheels to come off the rims by week 9.
How Seattle let Matt Hasselbeck walk away is beyond me. How Seattle didn't go out and try and steal Kolb is also beyond me. Yeah, Arizona gave up some value to get Kolb--a second-round pick and a very good cornerback in Dominique Rogers-Cromartie. But I have a feeling that they're not feeling too butt-hurt about it.
Seattle, you're about to go through what Arizona did last year--A long, long season with two very not good QBs. Enjoy.
NFC NORTH
Green Bay 12-4
They have twelve--TWELVE--starters coming back from injured reserve. And with twelve starters on injured reserve, they still won the Super Bowl (and even starting CB Charles Woodson was lost in the first half of the SB). They'll only be stronger. Aaron Rogers has reached elite status, the WR are insanely deep and the defense is only going to get better. If you hated GB winning the Super Bowl last year, you probably won't want to watch it in a few months.
Somewhere, Brett Favre is pissing down his leg at the thought of Rogers winning his second Super Bowl. That's a shame.
Detroit 10-6
You heard me. Matt Stafford has the tools to be one of the very best QBs in this league. The d-line is scary. Good coach in Jim Schwartz. Ndamukong Suh, Stafford, Nick Fairley, Matt Stafford.....this team is going to be very, very good in the coming years. After the horrid Matt Millen era, I can't say that they don't deserve the success that's coming.
Chicago 8-8
Roy Williams might not even stick there, leaving who to catch Cutler's passes? Johnny Knox? And that's assuming that Cutler hasn't been pounded into chopped liver by game five. Dumb move getting rid of Greg Olsen, a talented and underrated tight end.
Ah, the "genius" that is Mike Martz...... "I don't need no pass-catching tight end in my brilliant system!"
Minnesota 5-11
The reach for Christian Ponder at 11 overall was moronic. They could--and should--have drafted a position player who could contribute immediately, not a 2-year project. I like Ponder--hey, he's an FSU kid, right?--but he could've easily been had in round 2. Sidney Rice is gone. And Donovan--whom I've always liked--will prove that he's reached the end of the line.
Joe Webb? LMAO Okay, whatever.
NFC SOUTH
Atlanta 11-5
Matt Ryan's the real deal. While the trade up to get Julio Jones will kick them in the groin in the future, it won't hurt this year. Roddy White and Julio Jones? Nice pair of receivers to throw to. Michael Turner isn't a glamorous RB, but he gets the job done.
Tampa Bay 10 and 6
If you don't believe me, take a little look-see at the roster. The Bucs aren't ready to win it all yet, but they're good. And they're going to get better. It won't show record-wise, but this team will improve this year. I like their future. Well, that or I'm just being a homerfuck. Either or. Like I said, look at the roster.
Just avoid looking at Aquib Talib straight on or you might get pistol-whipped. Just sayin'.
New Orleans 8-8
Much like NE did to the Greatest Show On Turf many Super Bowls ago, Seattle proved last year that if you punch a finesse team in the mouth hard enough, it backs down. Drew Brees or no Drew Brees, I see them underachieving this season.
And that'll free up their fan base to go back to ignoring them again.
Carolina 4 and 12
And I'm being generous. Cam Newton will start. And that's about all the excitement Carolina fans will get this year. And that'll only be until they realize how much this guy is going to suck.
And he IS going to suck.
Division Winners: St. Louis, Green Bay, Atlanta, Dallas. Wild cards: Tampa Bay and Detroit.
AFC EAST
New England 11-5
Tom Brady will rev up this offense again and their young defense has a year of experience under it's belt. You just can't bet against Belichick.
NY Jets 11-5
NE will win the East based on tiebreakers. Once again, the Jets will field an insanely good defense and decent offense.
Miami 8-8
Good young defense, but question marks at the QB position.
Buffalo 5 and 11
Good team, just doesn't have enough talent yet. Drafting C.J. Spiller so high a few years ago was a huge mistake.
AFC WEST
San Diego 12-4
This team IS that talented. Phillip Rivers could put up big numbers just throwing to high school players. Now he has Vincent Jackson back. They had the #1 rated offense AND defense last year, but their special teams really screwed them over. They have a new special teams coach, and I don't see that biting them in the ass again.
Oakland 9-7
Despite Al Davis' insane drafting, there's actually some decent talent on this team. It swept all six divisional games last year. Imagine how good they could be if they hadn't wasted three or so years developing a loser like JaSuckus Russel. Now they have to rely on Jason Campbell, a decent QB, but hardly a star.
Kansas City 7-9
Cassell won't have another great year. Baltimore exposed KC in the wild card round last year. Some talent, but not enough to compete with SD. This was one of those quickie rebuilds you see so often in the NFL that make a splash for a year.
Denver 5-11
Oh come on, Bronco fans. Be happy if they win six games. And quit trying to replace Kyle Orton with Tebow or Quinn. What does this guy have to do to get any respect? Miami fans were begging for him, but you all want a project like Tebow or a good-looking bust like Quinn to start.
Really, you kind of deserve to be in last place with that point of view.
AFC SOUTH
Houston 11-6
FINALLY, Houston makes the playoffs. Now that Wade Phillips is running the defense, you'll see a significant improvement. The Texans' defense was beyond putrid last year. Jonothan Joseph was a nice free agent pick up. Even with the switch to the 3-4, the defense will improve. And the offense, led by Arian Foster, Matt Shaub, and the incredible Andre Johnson will continue to light it up.
Indianapolis 9-7
You can't make a nerve grow faster through therapy, and that means that Peyton might miss a few games. I like the Kerry Collins signing, but he isn't enough to stave off some early season losses. Indy will come back next year, though. Colts fans, at some point this insane run of success had to end. Just look at it as a year off.
Jacksonville 7-9
I really have no clue. Could be 8-8, 9-7 and 6-10. All I know is that their receivers are nothing special (and they lost Mike Sims-Walker), their QB is really cool but not all that great (David Garrard) and that the QB-in-waiting needs to wait at least a year, maybe two. Whatever.
Tennessee 5-11
My friend and playmate Mitzie will give me shit about this, but hey, it be what it be. Jake Locker is a year away. Matt Hasslebeck is still a good QB, but very susceptible to injury at his age. Chris Johnson could end up holding out well into the regular season. Throw all this on top of a coaching change, and it could spell a long year in Titans Land.
AFC NORTH
Pittsburgh 12-4
Fuck, this team even wins when Dennis Dixon is at QB.
Let me repeat that: Dennis Dixon.
Pitt is one of those rare teams where it doesn't really matter who they lose in free agency, they'll still be good. They have Big Ben healthy for opening of the season. Their WRs (after Hines Ward) are young and talented and Rashad "Foot In Twitter Mouth" Mendenhall is a big beast for grinding out yards on the ground. And their defense, is well, their defense.
Pitt doesn't win pretty. It just wins a lot.
Baltimore 11-5
The mirror image of Pittsburgh will once again challenge with a strong defense and solid running game. But Anquan Boldin or no Anquan Bolding, Pitt's receivers are better, and their QB is much better than Joe Flacco. They'll beat a lot of other teams, but they won't win as many games as Pittsburgh.
Baltimore does the things Pitt does--it just doesn't do them quite as well.
Cleveland 8-8
If you look at Colt McCoy's jock, that'll be me that's on it. I've been sold on him since his college days and I think he was a steal in the third round in 2010. If the WR group can show any improvement (and trust me, it won't be hard), then McCoy can win some games for the Browns. Hillis is healthy and Phil Taylor and Jabol Sheard look like very solid additions to the d-line. Guard Eric Steinbach might miss the season, though, and that isn't good news for McCoy. But an o-line that features future Hall of Famer Joe Thomas at left tackle and Alex Mack at center is pretty strong to begin with. Still, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
Cincinnati 4-12
Andy Dalton and AJ Green will be a great QB-WR tandem for years to come. They'll even be fun to watch this year. But both are rookies and will experience a lot of bumps this year (especially Dalton). Aside from that, there just aren't many reasons to be excited this year in Cincy.
Division winners: NE, Pitt, Houston, SD. Wild card teams: NY Jets and Baltimore.
Super Bowl: Green Bay defeats San Diego.
Or not. Like I said, disagree with it and go do your OWN list! Thphtthht!
