I Hate To Say I Told You So....

Sorry my lovelies. There's not much to cheer about in Tampa. But cum up to GA and Buccaneer Lori will console you!

But I told you so....

DA's stats from Sunday's Browns/Bengals game:

26 for 48 for 269 yards, one touchdown pass, one rushing touchdown, and one interception. 10.3 yards per completion.

Quinn's stats for the first three games of the season:

45 for 74 for 400 yards, one touchdown pass (in garbage time against Minnesota), and three interceptions. Oh, and three fumbles. 8.8 yards per completion. It's pretty clear to see at this point that DA clearly can move the ball downfield whereas Quinn cannot. His game is dinking and dunking. Shit, Dilfer could do that.

I'm joking. Dilfer couldn't do anything. Aside from sucking.

Anyway, do the fucking math, Quinn cultists.

To be honest, I've been pretty hard on Browns fans in the past, and for the most part, some deserved it. They did boo DA when he blew out his knee. They did raise an overrated college quarterback to near mythical status, even before he threw one NFL pass.

But looking back, I think Browns Nation has been suffering from an infection. And this infection turned a quarterback debate into a raging case of Quinnitis. And where did this infection come from?

"Charlie Weiss is aftur me pot o' gold! Jimmy Clausen gives me a stiffie! Brady gets me little shamrock stiff!"

That's right! Notre Dame fans. After their boyfriend was drafted by Cleveland in 2007, it's amazing how many of these people became Browns fans!

Of course, they didn't give a shit about Cleveland. Cleveland just happened to be the team with the misfortune of buying into Quinn's greatness . And boy, these people shit on DA like crazy. It didn't matter that DA was passing for over 3,500 yards and leading the team to 10 wins. No, he was a pile of shit and Quinn HAD to be inserted immediately!

So DA started some last year, and later in the season was replaced by Quinn, who made the Quinninites giddy with a decent performace against a Bronco defense that was so weak I could've run for 500 yards and passed for a thousand.

Then Quinn got hurt. DA replaced him and got hurt (much to the delight of the sickass Quinn Circle Jerk Club). Then Ken Dorsey went down and was replaced by Bruce Gradowski. In other words.....the last six or so games were pretty much lost before they were even started.

So this offseason, Quinn beat DA--yeah right--in the QB competition. Quinn strokers got what they wanted: their beloved Quinn would show himself to be the savior this franchise needed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSS!

Yeah, Quinn can't pass. Every knock on him coming out of college came to light. And man, he held onto the ball longer than old Charlie Frye used to!

Now they're screaming to "give BQ a chance". Oh? Like the chance you never gave to DA, as you were spending the 2007 season insulting him? Or in 2008, when you celebrated as he squirmed on the cold ground in pain? Or when you disparaged and dismissed his selection to the Pro Bowl after the 2007 season?

No, sorry. No double standards allowed. Not even for Bitchin' Brady Quinn. Or you hypocritical assholes.

Sorry, this is Dreamboat's third season in the league and he still can't make deep reads. He's been given his chance and showed jackshit. Now he sits again. The offense did nothing under Quinn except bog down. The minute DA came in, you could see the offense open and loosen opposing defenses.

Of course, the Quinn posse isn't done shitting on DA. They're even more pissed now. Tough shit.

I'm not saying that real Browns fans aren't guilty of the Quinn-stroking. Not at all. But the infection that came from Norte Dame assholes that couldn't let Quinn leave their pathetic, loser lives made the problem so much worse.

He is the wind.........beneath their wingggggggggsssssss..............

Browns nation, DA is your antibiotic to the fuckhead infection you've been suffering from.

I really feel sorry for whatever team drafts current ND QB/Douchebag Jimmy Clausen. Because when it happens, that team will have a huge increase in loud, stupid, obnoxious "fans".

And they'll be as convinced of Clausen's greatness as they have been of Quinn's.

Quinn cultists, feel free to support your noodle-armed hero as he settles into his ultimate NFL destiny: back up quarterback.

Real Browns fans, I apologize. I made a mistake. I ripped you guys way too hard. Some of you deserved it, but I just hadn't made the diagnosis that you were infected by ND swine flu.

Now shut the fuck up and get behind DA and let HIM develop. If you show some patience, he might just develop into a pretty good QB. And best of all, that nasty ND infection will clear up. And when that does, the actual Browns fans who still believe in Brady will eventually come to see the light and give up the vigil.

Or not. After all, an obsession is an obsession, right? And there's no cure for herpes, either. But like with any other STD, the best cure is prevention. So always wear rubbers and never draft an Notre Dame QB.

**************************************

Speaking of infections (and swine), Braylon Edwards is gone. Addition by subtraction.

More proof that no matter what the geniuses at ESPN say, Mangini and Kokinis know their shit.

In case you hadn't heard, Edwards got into an altercation with a friend of LeBron James on Monday morning and beat him up. All 130 pounds of him. What a big, tough guy Edwards is.

Of course, some Browns fans are missing the point, but 90 percent or so get how great this move is. Mangini traded Edwards to the Jets for 2010 3rd and 5th round picks, a wide receiver (with better stats than Edwards this season), and a special teams standout.

Edwards sucks more cock than I did on Frat Boy Booze Weekend (I made that up, of course).

Since he was drafted in 2004, he's been a self-centered, inconsistent, immature narcissist. Shit, he was flat-out pissed that Miami didn't take him. No, Savage did, of course.

Edwards has always craved the big-city lights of Miami, New York, and Dallas. You see, he's a star and should be showcased accordingly. Just ask him.

Now to his credit, Edwards blew the top off Cleveland Browns Stadium in 2007. He and DA combined for 16 touchdown passes and Edwards hauled in over 1,000 passing yards.

Over course, that was his one good season. The rest of the time, he's a ball-dropping machine. Last Sunday, in the Browns' best effort of the season, BE dropped a ball delivered right to his hands. And that's how he spent last season: dropping balls. Athletic as can be, as inconsistent as can be. In the second Ravens/Browns game last season, he dropped more balls than a hooker with Vaseline on her lips.

He's been a locker room cancer. He undermined Romeo Crennel. Braylon's always wanted what he wants, and feels that's more important than the team. He's your typical diva wide receiver.

Me, me, me, me and, of course, me.

Good luck in New York, you overrated bitch. I'm just glad Rah-Suck Morris didn't want to give Mangini five first round draft picks for him.

I'm still vomiting over the Kellen Winslow trade.

****************************************

So, how's the Morris regime doing in Tampa?

Oh yeah. 0 and 4.

I can hear you now: "BL, you consistently suck up to Mangini and Kokinis....yet insult and complain about Morris and Mark Dominik. Both teams are winless! Oh, and you have one insanely hot ass. So what gives?"

Uh, there's a difference between the two situations. ManKok inherited a team devestated by four years of shitty, self-indulgent drafting and free agent signings by "GM" Phil Savage. Savage consistently drafted players Romeo Crennel couldn't use and overspent on free agents that weren't worth it. And most of those players are gone now. ManKok inherited a shipwreck and has to start from scratch.

Morris and Dummynik, on the other hand, inherited a well-stocked team that was well under the salary cap. They inherited a team that was consistently in contention for the playoffs.

And they gutted it.

Then they traded for Kellen Winslow, so he could spend the last couple of years collecting his workman's comp checks from the Glazers. He's a nothing. Always has been, always will be.

And did I say that getting Byron Leftwich was a smart move in my last entry? Well, even I can be wrong (rare as it is). Now we have Josh Johnson starting at QB. And we're grooming Josh Freeman as our QB of the future. Gah-BARF!

Yeah, getting rid of Gruden and Allen was brilliant!

************************************

Here's a little present for you Quinn bitches!

Quinn shows his blowing technique.


Quinn shows....uh.....



"Hello? Is this the Academy for Overrated Quarterbacks?"

Hey, don't fumble THAT ball, BQ!

Hope you didn't run out of Kleenex, Quinnies! Whoa!

Browns Fans, Bucs Fans....You Happy Now?

"I suck."

Buccaneer Lori is here, and it's time to swallow your medicine, you sniveling, spoiled brats! You got what you wanted, both of you fanbases! Let's deal with the Bucs "fans" first.

Yeah, you good folks, have a seat. Sit down, shut up, and listen up. Browns fans, go to the back of the room. I've supplied a huge picture of Brady Quinn, several tubes of Astroglide and several boxes of Kleenex.

You all wanted Gruden gone, huh, Bucs fans? You wanted a guy who brought a Super Bowl to Tampa gone. Yeah, he had a bad losing streak that kept our team out of the playoffs last year. But our team was consistently a contender, and a lot of fans in a lot of other cities (Kansas City, Detroit, and Oakland, just to name a few) would give just about anything to be a contender every season.

So all's well now that Gruden and Bruce Allen are gone, right?

Uh......maybe not.

First, an overrated Dallas team smacked the Bucs around. Then, Sunday, the Buffalo Bills bent the Bucs over and kicked their asses. And it it gonna get any better this year.

Should you all be shocked? Your new boyfriends, Raheem "The Bad Dream" Morris and Mark Dominik, your super-awesome upgrade over Bruce Allen, took a giant douche and shot it right in the team's face. Gone was, among many notable defensive stalwarts, Derrick Brooks.

And on Monday, when Raheem was asked if he was concerned about the team's defensive problems getting out of control, he responded that they already WERE out of control. Wow. At least the young "genius" is candid.

Fucking great. This from a d-backs coach turned d-coordinator-named head coach in less than a month. Fucking great. I feel so much better now. A defensive-minded head coach.....is admitting that under his watch, the defensive problems are mounting.

I bet all of you guys drank that Kool-Aid when the 32 year-old (or however old is isn't) got the job. How DID Raheem get that job to begin with? Because he was being asked to interview for head coaching jobs with other teams? Because he was standing around the hall? Because he happened to be home when the Glazer Fucks called?

Nice draft, by the way. Josh Freeman. Wow. Does it concern any of you that Raheem knew Josh when he was coaching at Kansas State? These personal coach-player relationships destroy objectivity.

Remember, Phil "I Sucked As A GM" Savage tried to trade up to get JaMarcus Russell a few drafts ago. JaBustus just happened to have attended several of Savage's football camps growing up.

Huh. What kind of football camp would a horrible GM like Savage run? How to overspend on shitty wide receivers like Donte' Stallworthless? How to trade away future draft picks on players that will end up on the practice squad? How to draft players that'll end up out of the league in two years? How to bask in Ozzie Newsome's spotlight when he drafts pro-bowlers year after year? How to run to any microphone you see like Starving Alpo Dog Trent Dilfer?

Oh, speaking of Savage, remember in the 2008 draft how dingus traded away the team's 2009 third rounder to draft a tight end named Martin Rucker in the fourth round? Yeah, the Browns just released Rucker. Good job, Phil!

Want another one?

In the same draft--2008--Savage traded away a 2009 fifth round pick so he draft some project wide receiver named Paul Hubbard in the sixth round. Hubbard--who probably wouldn't have been drafted at all and could've been signed as an undrafted free agent later on--was put on the practice squad and has been released. How about yet another?

Same draft. Phil had traded away the first three picks (the first for Quinn in the 2007 draft, the second for a player named Corey Williams who didn't fit the Browns' 3-4 defense, and the third for Shaun Rogers, one of his few smart moves) in the draft.

So the Browns were set. They'd start drafting in the fourth. So I'm watching the draft with boyfriend and he groaned.

"What?"
"I just know that the idiot's going to fuck up."

Didn't take long. The fourth round started and Savage traded up in the fourth. He gave up a 2008 fifth rounder to swap up in the fourth round. There was this awesome linebacker named Beau Bell he wanted. Bell barely played last year and has since been released.

Anyway, now that we've finished Phil Savage's Guide To Drafting Like A Shithead, back to Freeman.

Every draft, due to the supply and demand regarding teams' needs and such, two or three QBs float up to the first round.

Take 2005, when Aaron Rogers and Alex Smith were the top dudes at QB. One has succeeded wildly (Rogers), while the other, well, didn't (Smith). In a logical world, Rogers clearly had superior credentials to Smith. He played in a pro-style offense in a tougher conference, whereas Smith played almost exclusively from the shotgun in college. When the 49'ers--who had the top pick and thus could negotiate before the actual draft with different players) reached an agreement with Smith, they selected him.

And the repercussions were felt a few years later when Green Bay had the legit QB from that draft.

So back to this year's draft. The perfect storm was set. Raheem knew Freeman. The supply and demand of the position inflated Freeman's worth and all of a sudden, the Bucs had themselves their QB of the future.

Sure, they had to trade away a sixth rounder to the Browns to swap spots in the first round, but hey, it's Raheem's boyfriend, so it was worth it.

Anybody with half a brain would've drafted Beanie Wells, Rey Maualuga, or somebody else who could actually help team team. You don't take a QB project in the first round. What, did Raheem think he and Josh would nail some coeds together?

And you couldn't address needs in the second round. You sent THAT pick to Cleveland for an overrated, broken down douche bag named Kellen Winslow, he of such class that he spat on his own general manager after a game last season. Pig. I may not like Savage, but spitting on another person is so low class....that only a POS like Winslow would do it.

And spare me the blame on Gaines Adams, 2008's first rounder. Yeah, he's not going to do as well when you rip apart a playoff-calibre defense. Nobody is. But Mr. Player's Coach, Raheem, calls Adams out in the media. Fuck you, Morris. At least he's on the field, unlike Josh Freeman, who's "learning". Yeah. He'll need to learn for a long, long, time.

Hey, here's some quarterbacks that didn't need to spend a few seasons sitting and learning: Sanchez, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco and Matt Stafford (he'll be good, trust me). Those are QBs you take in the first. Guys like Alex Smith and Raheem's boyfriend you take in the third and hope for the best.

Allen and Gruden wouldn't have torn apart the defense. They were too smart to do something that arrogant and stupid. They wouldn't have sent a second for Winspit. They wouldn't have released our veterans. They sure as fuck wouldn't have drafted Josh Freeman.

Hey, Michael Clayton, your team sucks, Mr. Drop The Ball. You still glad that horrible coach is gone, you overrated, backstabbing butthole-bitch?

Are any of us happy? In one off-season, we degraded the coaching staff, the front office, and the entire roster. We went from a solid playoff contender to a weak team in one fell swoop. It didn't have to happen. By the Glazers' logic, once you have a dent in a nice, working car, you take a sledgehammer to it and get rid of it. Then you take the bus for a few years and save up for a new car.

It's not like we were over the cap. Shit, when they started cutting the heart out of this team, we were well under the cap. Maybe Mr. Asshole Glazer didn't want to pay the players.

Bucs fans, you happy that your Super Bowl winning coach is gone? If you are, then you're getting what you deserve. Fuck that. You're getting what you deserve regardless.

Now get the fuck out of here. I need to speak to another group of morons.

Hi Browns fans! You remember to wash your hands and mop up the wall and ceiling?

Last season, when Derek Anderson was benched, I said, "Benching Derek isn't fair, isn't smart, and won't make the team better."

Right again I am, I am! I'm immune to Brady Quinn cult spam!

Congrats. You got your man, Brady Quinn, named starting QB. You got what you wanted. You wanted, sniveled, begged, wailed, pants-pissed, tantrumed, shat, cried, whined, bitched, screamed for, pouted, and prayed for this. You jeered Derek Anderson when he blew out his knee last year. You hated him, and you wanted everyone to know that.

How's that working out for you? How's Quinn doing?

Not well. Not well at all. And you Quinn jackers can spare me the "he's a rookie crap". He's NOT a rookie. This is his third season. Mark Sanchez is already 100 times the QB Quinn is and he IS a rookie.

And spare me the "Sanchez is on a better team" shit. You didn't offer DA that excuse. Well, Detroit doesn't have all that much talent, but Matt Stafford's out there slinging the rock.

Quinn can't make deep reads. He fumbles. He's throws interceptions. 90 percent of the time, he checks down and dumps off the pass to the tight end or running back. His passes flutter. His release is in slow motion (he makes Byron Leftwich, the one good thing Morris has done, look fast)--that is, when he's not just holding the ball and waiting for someone to be ten yards clear of the nearest defender.

"No no no no....he's only five yards off you! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

DA has always had a fast release. That discourages blitzing and stacking the box. Defenses don't like getting burned by a fast release hitting the hot receiver.

Another thing: DA hits the receivers in stride. Quinn looks like he needs a stationary target. But hey, Braylon Edwards doing the splits to catch a pass is fucking awesome. It's just like college football: throw to the man, not the spot where the man's supposed to be.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure his mechanics are much better than Anderson's, right? LMAO Yeah, those great mechanics led Quinn to have three passes in a row deflected against Denver. One hit a Denver lineman in the facemask! Now that's a deflection!

ROFLMAO GREAT MECHANICS THERE!

Yeah, that'll get it done!

BQ even dumps off in garbage time. Against Denver, with a minute or so left and the game already lost, BQ was still dumping off passes to his running back. Shit, chuck the fucking ball down the field. Game's over anyway, so who cares?

Of course, it didn't get it done against an average (at best) Denver defense. It didn't get it done against the Vikings (an admittedly better defense). It sure as fuck won't get it done Sunday against Baltimore (bring your diapers, Quinn).

Here's another good one: he had to split first-team reps with DA, in training camp, so that hindered him. LMAO Yeah, so the second coming of Troy Aikman didn't improve with competition? Yeah, I guess a high calibre QB like BQ needs his fucking hand held or something. If DA was such crap and BQ so good, why did it take so long for him to "win" the job.

Yeah, he won the job. Right. There would've been a riot if Quinn hadn't "won" the job.

And now, some of you Quinn holdouts are screaming that we all must be more patient.

Nope. Not me. Not this pirate chick.

You SHIT all over Derek Anderson. You shit all over him when he was passing for over 3,500 yards and winning 10 games for you underserving creeps. You shit over him last year, even though the whole team's wheels came off. You weren't patient with DA.

It was his fault Braylon Edwards dropped every important pass. It was his fault when Jamal Lewis ran the wrong route in the second Baltimore game and the pass was intercepted. It was his fault that Romeo Crennel's shitty prevent defense couldn't hold any leads.

You weren't preaching patience then, so you don't get to preach it now.

Here's another Quinn excuse that gets me every time: "He has to take what the defense gives him."

ROFLMAO times a million!

DA is streaky, but a QB can either bully the other team's defense or be bullied. Quinn is bullied. DA isn't. DA threw interceptions, for sure, but he also tired out the opposing defense and threw plenty of touchdown passes.

The field shrinks with Quinn; it's stretched with DA.

Browns fans, keep being happy with BQ allowing opposing defenses to set the tone. Because what great defenses (or even decent defenses like Denver's) do is "give" him shitty four-yard dumpoffs. Then they close in more and more. They tighten the noose. They shorten the already short field for Quinn.

Why should a stud defense like Pitt's or Baltimore's respect a QB who "takes what they give him?" Fuck that. Stud defenses laugh at QBs who take what they're given!

Of course you have to complete short passes (admittedly, DA's weakness). But you have to do more than that. Quinn is averaging 5.5 yards per pass attempt this season. That's garbage, I'm sorry.

Drew Brees doesn't "take what they give him." He fucking takes it and says "Fuck off, I want another touchdown." Quinn says, "Yes sir, opposing defense. Thank you for that two-yard gain. May I have another?"

Peyton Manning doesn't "take what they give him." He laughs, hauls his arm back, and hits whatever receiver he fucking wants to hit. Quinn says, "May I pass for four yards now, opposing defense? PLEASE can I have one first down? PLEASE?"

Quinn can't beat you deep. So defenses can stack up against the run and dump off by bringing up their d-backs and close up the box or blitz the dreamboat. But hey, at least he takes what they give him.

Yeah, it's a bitter pill to swallow. Here's some water, losers.

To those of you who now realize that just maybe your idol, Quinn, isn't quite the next Joe Montana, TOUGH SHIT! Too late! Quinn was your boy. Now your asses hurt and you don't know what to do! Better late than never? LMAO Yeah, okay!

TOUGH SHIT!

To those who've always stood by DA, sorry guys......you were right, but that doesn't make you feel better as Quinn dinks and dunks his way to another loss. You were happy when DA won those ten games and wanted to see what he could do if they franchise put it's efforts into his career instead of the Golden Boy's.

But you knew that this preseason's QB competition was bullshit. The entire offense was built around Quinn's "strengths". Actually, to be fair, this offensive scheme that favors ball control and short passes came with Eric Mangini. But the result was the same: Quinn's skills were more tailored to this barfy offense than DA's gunslinging style.

Hey Browns fans.....you're 0 and 2. Your offense can't stay on the field and your defense gets exhausted and eventually breaks. Get used to it. With DA, you were high-octane fun at best and at least exciting at worst. Now you're just boring and irrelevant.

Your pro-bowl QB sits on the bench so you're rave-fave can play. You people are a fucking laughingstock, you know that? Then again, we're not looking that much smarter in Tampa, are we?

At least I get to see my boy-toy Jon every Monday night! Now that's some great television! I love me some Gruden with my Monday Night Football!

Cleveland, Tampa, you got just what you wanted. How's that working out for you?

Misery may love company, but I bet that you're finding out that stupidity does as well.

I don't hate to say I told you so.... So I TOLD YOU SO!

______________________________________________

LMAO

A couple of weeks ago, I read that the moneygrubber suing Big Ben Roethlisberger for rape was willing to drop her suit if he offered her a public apology!

This was all after some incrimnating emails she sent BEFORE the alleged rape were discovered. They dealt with how she was trying not to go up to his room and fuck him.

And they were sent from her company email to a coworker! Unfucking real!

Another one she sent after the supposed rape dealt with how she hoped she was pregnant with Big Ben's child.

Now she's willing to drop the suit for an apology. LMAO Big Ben, don't give her a fucking thing.

Unless that one thing is the finger.

In Ben's Defense

First, read this (copied and pasted from profootballtalk.com) if you haven't heard about the situation with Big Ben.

---------------------------------------------------------

In a complaint that reads like the rape allegations made several years ago against NBA star Kobe Bryant, Harrah's employee Andrea McNulty alleges sexual assault against Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in a lawsuit filed last week in Washoe County, Nevada.

But lawyer David Cornwell strongly denied the allegations Monday night, in a statement released to PFT. "Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty," Cornwell said.

In the civil suit, which Cornwell confirms was served on Roethlisberger over the weekend and a copy of which our own Gregg Rosenthal has obtained, McNulty alleges that Roethlisberger asked her to come to his hotel room to fix the television, and that he thereafter forced her to have sex with him.

Roethlisberger faces one civil count of assault, one civil count of sexual assault and battery, one civil count of false imprisonment, one civil count of false pretenses, one civil count of fraud, and one civil count of intentonal infliction of emtional distress.

McNulty also claims that the coworkers named in the complaint thereafter defamed her by making allegedly false and inflammatory statements, and by allegedly serving as aiders and abettors of Roethlisberger's alleged misconduct after the fact.

Cornwell, a finalist for the position of NFLPA Executive Director who has represented in the recent past Saints running back Reggie Bush and Browns receiver Donte' Stallworth, points to the fact that no criminal complaint has been filed, and that no criminal investigation has occurred.

"The timing of the lawsuit and the absence of a criminal complaint and a criminal investigation are the most compelling evidence of the absence of any criminal conduct," Cornwell said. "If an investigation is commenced, Ben will cooperate fully and Ben will be fully exonerated."

It's unknown at this point whether McNulty ever has attempted to file criminal charges as a result of the incident, which allegedly occurred in July 2008.

"Ben will not be baited into a public discussion about his personal life, but we will defend
him vigorously," Cornwell said. "The limited value that Ms. McNulty derived from public disclosure of these viciously false allegations is the only value she will ever receive from Ben in this case."

Regardless of how this one turns out, it has the potential to serve as a significant distraction for Roethlisberger as the 2009 season approaches, especially if the lawsuit triggers a criminal probe.

----------------------------------------------------

Okay....let's see if I'm getting this straight......

According to this money-grubber, she was raped in July 2008 while on a service call at work. And she names several coworkers (two of whom are female) in the complaint as well, claiming that they helped Roethlisberger cover up the crime.

Sheesh. No mention of men in black suits? Nothing about the Illuminati being involved? The mafia wasn't listed? The United Nations (being the worthless POS that it is) wasn't included? Nothing supports a personal injury like a good old fashioned conspiracy.

Oh, and she never filed criminal charges when she claims it happened. Get the fuck out of here, you little bitch.

Seriously, once you pass on filing criminal charges, fuck you. Don't come back and cry rape later when you stand to profit from it. If what happened truly happened, then you have to supply what evidence you can to the police.

Gee, yeah, I know. She was traumatized. And yet she's "untramatized' enough to come back a year later to collect her pound of flesh. NOW she wants to tell her story! NOW she wants to set things straight. NOW she wants to make her voice heard. NOW she wants justice!

No, NOW she wants a payday. And there's a difference between justice and a payday.

Hey, I'm all for legit civil suits. Not all are bullshit. But I'll tell you this: you go through the proper channels. And in situations involving bodily harm, that means you go to the police first, not Larry The Personal Injury Lawyer.

When you take the type of shortcut this "victim" is taking, your motives deserve to be questioned. After a year, where's the physical evidence a rape kit could've provided? It's washed away (had it indeed ever existed).

How convenient. I mean, a year later she's ready to face her "attacker". She's ready to take down Big Ben--when there's money to be made.

Crap like this only makes it harder for real rape victims.

Sorry if you're some psycho man-hater that actually believes every woman who screams rape when money is on the table, but if you are, I have two words for you:

Duke Lacrosse.

Poor Widdle Jay Cutler

BL has a housewarming gift for Jay when he gets to Chicago!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The NFL's resident poster boy for cwybabees, Jay Cutler, has been traded to the Chicago Bears.

Of course, Tampa was chasing him. You think that would make BL happy, huh? No way. Cutler's an immature little douche. Yeah, I get that he was upset about possibly being traded a month or so ago, but let's examine this a little more closely and show what a liar and hypocrite Jay is.

One, when Mike Shanahan was fired, he whined for a trade. Eventually, that was smoothed over after talking with new coach Josh "I'm Only 32 But A Legend In My Own Mind" McDaniels.

Then news leaked out that McDaniels had the audacity to listen to trade offers for His Highness. What's that, Jay? You think you're like your boyfriend, Brett Favre, and can act like a de facto GM?

So after that horrifying news leaked out, it was done. Jay-Jay wanted a trade. He wouldn't return messages from the coach or the OWNER, Pat Bowlen. He even sacrificed a $100,000 bonus by not taking part in the team's off-season activities.

After the crybaby declined to return over 10 text messages a few days ago, the team said "Fuck off, bitch" and announced that if he wanted a trade, he'd get one.

And then Cutler had the fucking nerve to say that he never asked for a trade! WHAT? Are you serious, little boy? The spoiled brat said that he never expected it "to come to this".

YOU'RE the one who made it "come to this", Cutler. You're the one who embarrassed your team, your coach, your teammates, and your owner. You're the one who disrespected every Bronco fan in the world. And it's everybody else's fault but yours.

How Trent Dilfer of you.

And, of course, teams like Tampa, Washington, Cleveland, etc.... lined up to inquire. Cleveland bowed out when they heard that fuckass wouldn't want to be coached by Mangini.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The rest of the teams bowed out when Chicago offered two first rounders, a third rounder, QB Kyle Orton for crybaby and a fifth rounder.

How's your ass feel, Chi-town? You just got schooled by a rookie head coach and rookie GM. The fans, of course, are deliriously happy right now. And for good reason: Crybaby is really good.

But will the baby be as good with a weakass group of wide receivers to throw to? Will the fans be happy when Cutler demands a new contract in the next day or two that will run around 40 to 50 million at least?

Will the fans be happy whenthey watche Denver draft high-quality starters with all of those draft picks?

Maybe.

Will the fans be happy when Cutler goes diva again if somebody actually criticizes him? Seriously, if he can't work with a strong-willed coach like Mangini or McDaniels, then Lovie Smith better start rubbing his feet the second he arrives for his press conference tomorrow.

Character counts. Sorry. Terrell Owens is a brilliant WR. A sure-fire Hall of Famer. But he's an asshole. He wears out his welcome really fast.

If TO had pulled this shit--and, really, he has in his own way--ESPN and Chi-town journalists would be ripping him a new one. Cutler pulls it and you hear crickets chirping.

But isn't Jay just another TO? One that leaks out info to the media and stays home and sulks? One that refuses to man up and meet his head coach man to man without his douche bag agent, Bus Cook (shockingly, the man who is also Brett the Diva's agent) holding his hand? One that refuses to talk to one of the most respected owners in the league?

He couldn't even do THAT?

I'm glad Tampa didn't get too caught up in this and give away the farm like Chicago. I'm glad Cleveland bowed out.

Cutler's often been called "the next Brett Favre". Well, he's as arrogant, self-centered and petulant as ol' Brett ever was, that's for sure.

Let's see if after a season or two, Chicago fans are lamenting the day they mortaged their future for a disrepectful, arrogant crybaby like "the next Brett Favre".

Don't cry, Denver fans. Winning cures everything, and I think the Broncos will be doing a lot of winning in a couple of seasons.

And Chicago can draft a top receiver for Cutler in....oh....say.....2011.

(Originally posted 4-3-2009)

More On Winslow

More on Winslow....

Bud Shaw is a columnist for The Plain Dealer in Cleveland. His thoughts on the KW trade and why Browns fans should be happy with it (and conversely, why Bucs fans shouldn't be).

Trade of Kellen Winslow can work for Cleveland Browns coming and going -- Bud Shaw Blog

Friday February 27, 2009, 1:20 PM

Bud Shaw weighs in on the Winslow trade from the Indians spring training in Goodyear, Ariz.

First impressions of the Kellen Winslow trade:

The Browns picked up needed draft picks and rid themselves of a diva who was quick to declare himself underpaid and not so willing to take into account the $11 million or so he made his first two damaged-goods seasons in the league.

It's difficult to measure the benefits of the deal on the receiving end without knowing more about the draft picks involved and the smarts of the new GM and head coach in making the most of them.

But parting ways with a tight end who has more character and physical issues than he's worth, who didn't hire agent Drew Rosenhaus for nothing, isn't the kind of loss that sabotages a team.

Eric Mangini is an easy target these days. But he carried out what the last regime had in mind for Winslow, too. If that makes Mangini and George Kokinis wrong, it makes Phil Savage wrong, too.

That's possible, certainly. But here's a thought for all those who admired the "soldier" in Winslow. Maybe he's the problem and not everybody else.

Mangini might use this as a statement about the kind of player he wants as a cornerstone of a rebuilding project while at the same time picking up draft picks the Browns desperately need more than they need Winslow moping around at tight end.

Winslow wants to make up for money lost through his own reckless behavior early in his career, so now he and Rosenhaus can do that somewhere else. It's difficult to imagine him improving much in Tampa even at age 25, given that he's lost a lot physically already.

Winslow made tough catches, spectacular ones, too. No denying that or the intensity he brought to games.

But he didn't bring much of anything to the locker room. He won't be missed off the field. Don't think for a minute that his teammates didn't see through the "victim" role he awarded himself in his dispute with the Browns over the staph infection business.

They knew differently. And some even went to a team official and said as much.
Rosenhaus has the same role in mind for Winslow contract wise. Now they can both take that tired old song to Tampa.

Browns fans, if you don't want Mangini and Kokinis, can WE have them? Holy cow.

(Originally posted 2-28-2009)

BA Wants DA NOW!

Anderson Trade A Possibility For BucsPosted By Roy Cummings at Feb 19, 2009 at 12:12 PMUpdated Feb 19, 2009 at 12:13 PM

INDIANAPOLIS – A lot of the talk here at the combine is centering around the Bucs and their quarterback position.Few believe the Bucs are ready to just hand the starter’s job to Luke McCown, so the question is, who they will bring in to challenge McCown for the starter’s job.Free agents such as Byron Leftwich, J.P. Losman and Patrick Ramsey are all being thrown around as possibilities but one possibility that is gaining steam would have the Bucs trading with the Browns for Derek Anderson.

Anderson has one of the strongest arms in the league as well as just about every physical tool you need to be a difference maker at his position. What he doesn’t have is a great understanding of defenses or the game’s nuances.With a little work and a bit of a push he could be developed into one of the game’s better quarterbacks and word is the Brown might take as little as a third-round pick for him.

When you consider that he’s younger than Luke McCown but has more experience than McCown it doesn’t sound like a bad option for the Bucs to consider, especially with Jeff Jagodzinski running the offense.Jagodzinski figures to be a little more aggressive than Jon Gruden was and Anderson would probably fit what he does well. Also, with Jagodzinski and Greg Olson tutoring him, Olson would likely max out on his potential.

********************************************************

Buccaneer Lori wants this trade! DA for a third rounder? Way to go, Browns fans! Shit, you should at least insist on a second. I think they will end up getting a second for DA. Last year, he played for a bad, bad team. Sorry, Browns fans, it isn't always the QB when your team blows. And that was the case last year.

No running game, a bad o-coordinator, a pathetic defense, a horrid GM, an average coach, and one of the worst WR groups in the league, but it's all DA's fault. I know you all want to run him out of town instead of trying to get the best deal for him. Brilliant, Browns nation.

Absolutely brilliant. Instead of trying to get a second or even late first rounder, you just want him gone. You people never disappoint in your raging stupidity.

Personally, I think the guy who wrote the article is full of shit. Mangini and Kokinis aren't idiot fans--they're proven NFL guys who don't react and act. They're going to wait and get the best deal for DA that they can--and that isn't some third rounder (at least not this early in the offseason). And if that means waiting until the draft gets close, so be it.

Just because their douche bag fan base is impatient doesn't mean that they have to be. I saw one post from a Detroit newspaper that just cracked me up. Lions fans were talking about trying to get DA. Opinion was mixed, though fairly warm towards the idea. And one idiot actually proposed that the Lions swap their top overall pick to the Browns in exchange for the Browns fifth overall pick, DA, and Cleveland's second rounder.

This just shows that idiots can get internet access. That would be the stupidest thing the Browns could do (and Mangini and Kokinis wouldn't do it of course). Typical fan thinking. Moron.

First, the trade is massively unfavorable for the Browns: They move up five spaces in exchange for a second rounder and DA? WTF? Then, nobody wants the top overall pick--the price is way too high. And a player the Browns want will be there at the fifth spot at a cheaper price (Aaron Curry, Malcom Jenkins....).

Finally, the Browns need MORE draft picks, not less. The asshole who posted that probably thinks that the Lions will go to the Super Bowl next year. Fucking 10 year-olds. This is what Madden has done to football fans: they think building a roster is like playing a fucking computer game.

Meanwhile, us Bucs fans are stuck with Luke McNown as our starter for now. Screw that! Luke McNown? Really, Tampa Bay? Really?

Good grief, offer Cleveland a 2nd and fifth rounder and GET DA NOW! Do you know how many teams will give DA a good look? KC, NYJ, Detroit and Carolina, will just to name a few. Then how about some wild cards like Seattle, SF, and St. Louis? All it takes is one other team to raise the bidding (that's an auction reference, Browns fans).

Or--oh geniuses that own and run the Bucs--do you think that Byron Leftwich, J.P. Losman, or Patrick Ramsey can provide something more? Suckwich, Loserman, and Ram-it-sey couldn't do the job in the past--on GOOD teams--and they won't do it now. In 2007, the Browns were pretty solid and DA lit it up. Last year, there were too many injuries and too little depth (well done, Phil Savage) for any QB to overcome.

Jon Kitna? No thank you very much. Gus Ferrotte? Shoot me. It's bad enough you fucked up and fired Gruden and replaced him with some d-backs coach who is all of 32. Don't compound the mistake by giving turning us into the Vikings--a great team with no good QB.

GET DEREK ANDERSON NOW!

(Originally posted 2-19-2009)

If Buccaneer Lori Were The Browns New GM

And a soul, a sense of perspective, some patience, respect for your own players, and a realization that the world doesn't end at the banks of Lake Erie. Just sayin'.

Don't worry, Browns "fans"! Your new GM, Buccaneer Lori, will fix your team!

That way, you don't have to keep hoping that DA gets hit by a truck (you miserable shits).

I think Randy Lerner finally has it right. A great coach in Eric Mangini and George Kokinis as the new GM. Kokinis has the endorsement of the great Ernie Accorsi, and that's good enough for me.

1. Bye-bye, Braylon Edwards! You can be a very good wide receiver sometimes. But you're a baby, a prima dona, and drop balls more than you catch them. You're a boom or bust guy, but on an established, talented team, you could turn into the next Larry Fitzgerald (sigh....what class!) A change of scenery will stimulate and energize your career.Braylon Edwards to the NY Giants for their 2009 1st round pick and WR David Tyree.

2. Bye Bye Kellen Winslow. Hey, it's not the Browns fault you did serious damage to your knee a few years ago in that motorcycle accident. You've had several surgeries on it and you've lost some of your speed--that's why you're getting so many penalities for pushing off. But you'll still be an elite tight end for a few more years.

Oh, and you want one more big payday, huh? Well, don't expect it from the Browns. They've been more than generous with you, giving you a chance to recoup your original bonus money after the accident. You're a great short-term solution/playmaker for a team on the cusp of making the Super Bowl.And that team's Philadelphia.KW to the Eagles for a 2009 1st rounder or a 2009 2nd rounder and tackle Winston Justice.

3. Get Jamal a running buddy. Literally. Jamal's worth keeping. Cap-friendly contract, experience, heart, and can still grind it out. But Jamal is on the wrong side of 30, and needs another big stud running back to tote the rock. This will keep the big guy fresh and rejuvenate his career. And more and more NFL teams are utilizing offenses that feature two solid running backs (Dallas, San Diego, etc....).

4. Trade DA. Derek was treated like crap by Browns fans. You NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER cheer a player's injury, especially if he plays for your own team. That was disgusting, Browns fans. Grow the fuck up.

Browns fans, you might think DA is garbage, but I assure you he is not. The Browns need to move ahead with Quinn, who'll fit in better with Mangini's offensive schemes. But it's time to trade DA and get a 2nd for him. Minnesota, Kansas City, Tampa, Carolina are teams that could be a good home for him. Trust me, before that second Baltimore game, DA had been turning it around. You were just so horny for Quinn that you couldn't see it.

Enjoy watching DA tear it up for another team, geniuses. Then maybe you can send him an apology. All the guy did was try to carry a shitty team on his shoulders and win. You don't think a team would part with a 2nd rounder for a former pro bowler with his arm? Quit smoking crack. I have a Jets friend who said he'd take DA "in a heartbeat".

Browns Draft:Original pick (5th overall): Rey Maulalua (linebacker, USC) or Aaron Curry (linebacker, Wake Forest).Picks from Eagles and Giants, two from the following group: Clay Matthews (linebacker, USC); Brian Cushing (linebacker, USC); Alex Mack (center, Cal); Shonn Green (RB, Iowa).

2nd Round picks: Best corner or safety available and a player from the top group that hasn't already been selected.I only covered the first two rounds as former GM Phil "Most Overrated Talent Evaluator In History" pissed away the Browns 2009 third rounder on a tight end nobody would've taken to select him in the fourth round last year.

Thanks to "Trader Phil", the Browns currently only have 1, 2, 4, and 6 round picks. Idiot. Good luck to Mangini and Kokinis. I think the Browns are on their way to finally building this team.

But Eric and George, listen to the Queen. She knows what she's talking about.

(Originally posted 1-29-2009)

Gruden's A Winner! Glazers Are Losers!

Yeah. This guy really sucks. Bad coaches win Super Bowls, right?

Jon will be back in 2010!

There will be several coaches on the hot seat in the 2010 season.

I predict the following coaches could be in danger after next season:

Brad Childress in Minnesota;
Jim Zorn in Washington;
Wade Phillips in Dallas;
Sean Payton in New Orleans;
Jack Del Rio in Jacksonville;
Dick Juaron in Buffalo;
Lovie Smith in Chicago;
John Fox in Carolina;
Gary Kubiak in Houston.


You can rule out the following teams as they've hired coaches this past offseason:

St. Louis has just hired Steve Spagnulo from the Giants;
Cleveland just hired Eric Mangini;
Detroit just hired Jim Shwartz;
Seattle just promoted Jim Mora, Jr.;
Denver's just hired Josh McDaniels from New England;
The NY Jets (who foolishly fired Mangini) will probably hire Rex Ryan from the Ravens;
Indy just promoted Jim Caldwell after the wonderful Tony Dungy retired;
Kansas City is in the process of finding a new head coach. It won't be Jon.


So those teams won't be in the running.Ryan and Lexie cried last night that Gruden wasn't fired earlier (I made them feel much better today, though, heh).


Let's look at the other teams in the NFL.
Oakland?
No way does Gruden go back to work for the senile Al Davis.

San Diego?
Norv Turner's done a pretty good job for a guy who's supposedly so horrible. No.

Cincinnati?
Great fit, but the owner will keep Marvin Lewis, a good coach who has to work for a miserly cheap owner.

Baltimore?
No way. Harbaugh has stepped in and the club hasn't missed a beat.

Pitt?
No way. Mike Tomlin's doing fine.

Tenn?
No way. They have Jeff Fisher, one of the best coaches in the league.

Miami?
Nope. Tony Sparano's entering only his second season and is doing well.

New England?
Nope. Bill Bellicheat has that job until he doesn't want it.

Arizona?
Nope. Whisenhunt's the man there.

Philly?
Hmmmmm....nope. Good fit, but Andy Reid's going nowhere.

San Francisco?
Nope. They just named Mike Singletary the permanent head coach.

Green Bay?
Nope. McCarthy ain't going nowhere....unless the team craps out again....and it won't.

Atlanta? Nope. Mike Smith is turning out to be a great coach.

So, where does my NFL boyfriend end up? There are always big time college jobs out there. There's speculation that he could end up at Notre Dame. No way. It'd cost those fools millions to buy out Charlie Weiss' contract. Bet that ten year extension they gave him doesn't look so great now.

I don't see Jon going back to the college ranks. And there are just too many possibilities to consider anyway. So where does he end up if he takes an NFL job?

Buffalo: Nope. Ralph Wilson won't pony up the dough.

New Orleans: Obviously, it would be intriguing as Tampa's division rival. It would be a great fit. Big time city, star-studded roster, veteran QB.

Minnesota: Interesting, but I don't see it happening. I think if they fire Childress, Shanahan will end up there. I don't know why, just a hunch.

Jacksonville? Possibly.

Carolina: Interesting possibility if the Panthers collapse next year and Fox gets canned. I think they'll be okay, but Jon has ties to the state of Tenn and Carolina ain't that far away. Just sayin'.

Houston: Hmmmmmm...... Big city. Possible. Not probable.

There are really three cities that would fit a coach of Jon's stature: Washington, Dallas, and Chi-town.At this point, it's a matter of weighing the positives rather than focusing on the negatives. All are good possibilities.

Dallas: Great fit. But one problem: Gruden's too strong a personality for Jerry Jones to hire. And Gruden won't put up with pissy prima donas like Terrel Owens. Don't believe me? Ask Keyshawn Johnson. But if Jones can quit signing douchebags and stay somewhat quiet, it's certainly a possility.

Chicago: Wow. It could fit.

Washington, D.C.: This is where Jon ends up. Dan Snyder will fire Jim Zorn after the 2009 season and back up the Brinks truck to hire Gruden. The current GM, Vinny Cerrato, will be "promoted" to another position and Jon will bring in Bruce Allen to be his GM.

Prediction: Jon Gruden will be hired as the Redskins' head coach as early as December and no later than today's date in 2010.

Here's the list, in order, of where Jon coud end up, most likely to least likely.

1. Washington, D.C.
2. Chicago Bears
3. New Orleans Saints
4. Carolina Panthers
5. Dallas Cowboys
6. Houston Texans
7. Jacksonville Jaguars
8. Minnesota Vikings
9. Buffalo Bills


Oh, that Bill Cowher guy? I think he ends up in Carolina. He has a home in that area and the situation's perfect for him if they want to shell out the big bucks. Forget Dallas. Cowher won't put up with the shit going on there. Jerry Jones needs a more passive coach than Gruden or Cowher. That's why Jimmie Johnson left. And why Parcells left.

Both Gruden and Cowher would chase T.O. out of there with a baseball bat. Neither man puts up with that type of crap. It's why they're such great coaches.Enjoy your year off, Jon! I'll always root for you!

Fuck the Glazers.

(Originally posted 1-19-2009)

Hey Pussy Glazer Boys! Got Sumtin' Fer You!

Malcom, you and your pissy little ass sucking sons can KISS MY ASS , you dickless asshats!

(Originally posted 1-17-08)

Browns Players Agree With The Queen!

From ESPN: If Anderson's injury wasn't tough enough to take, some Browns fans made it worse by cheering when the former Pro Bowler crumpled to the turf. The negative reaction was not well received by Anderson's teammates.

."It made me upset," defensive tackle Shaun Smith said. "When you see stuff like that happening, it could have been a career-ending injury. He was your quarterback last year and went to the Pro Bowl, everybody was cheering for him then. For you to cheer for him to get hurt, that's not good, that's like me being at your family member's funeral and being happy they died. That's not a good sign."For people to cheer, that's no class at all."

Pretty bad when your own team calls you classless, huh Browns fans?


(Originally posted 12-1-08)

Ohhhhhhh When The Bucs....

Come marchin' in....oh when the Bucs come marchin' in....I want to be in that number, when the Bucs come marchin' in!

BUCS 23 SAINTS 20

The Bucs are 9-3! Wooooooohooooooo! Saints fans, if you're upset with the loss, just do what Cleveland does and boo Derek Anderson.

(Originally posted 11-30-08)

Congrats, Browns Fans!

This make you happy, Browns fans? DA in pain with torn knee ligaments?

DA is out for the rest of the year now with a knee injury. So instead of being happy you had two legitimate QB prospects, you don't have any now that BQ is out with a broken finger.

Of course you blame today's loss on DA. It's his fault his o-line collapsed the second the ball was hiked and he was hammered like a pinata and fumbled. If it had been Quinn, you'd be screaming at the o-line.

Except for my boyfriend, you Browns fans deserve it. And even HE'S sick of you people. Booing an injured DA? You miserable fucks. And they say Philly fans are bad?Boyfriend's starting to wonder how much more he can take. He has to listen to you idiots whine like dogs for the Browns to draft OSU players every year.

He has to listen to you talk about how important it is to get "local boys" to play for the team (hey, idiots, that has nothing to do with winning). The losing? He can deal with that. It's you people that wear on him. Everybody not from Ohio sucks. They only play "real" football in the Big 10 (what a fucking delusion THAT is--Florida and Alabama would destroy OSU just like...USC DID!).

Well, now that DA has played his last game as a Brown, you don't have to worry about the horrible DA ruining what little talent--and I do mean little--you have on your team. You don't have to boo the guy anymore. Your scapegoat is as good as gone. You don't have to shoot down excuses for DA's mistakes like you do for Quinn. You don't have to dismiss pro-DA opinions like Bill Cowher's and Dan Marino's. You can have your Golden Child next year.

He won't be able to do what DA couldn't, but you can buy your Brady Fatheads and jack off to him.Enjoy the rest of the season with Ken Dorsey as your starting QB, you know-nothing losers. I'll enjoy watching Derek start for a real team who has a real coach and real GM next year.

That's right, kiddies. Romeo isn't the answer as your coach, but Phil Savage is even less of an answer as your GM. In typical Browns fan fashion, you all defend the GM who can't draft or evaluate talent; it's easier just to blame RAC for the whole mess.

Oh, and my Bucs--a REAL team with REAL fans--sent the Saints marching home today, 23-20.Suck on THAT, you drunk, classless assholes.

Boo DA? Fuck you. Boo yourselves. Then again, you did cheer when Tim Couch was injured a few years ago, so I guess none of this should be a surprise. Great city. Great tradition. Lousy football fans. Oh, you always yap about being "loyal".

That's right....you're "loyal".Yeah, you're so loyal you boo your own players! Wow! You're so loyal you make fat jokes about an honorable man, Romeo Crennel. You're so fucking loyal you don't give a shit about a guy who busts his ass for his team laying on the ground with a torn-up knee.

Yeah, you're loyal. You don't deserve Cowher or Marty or any other great coach. Who'd want to go there? You don't deserve a winner. Well, except for the few good fans like this guy, who wrote:

"BROWNS PLAYERS DESERVE BETTER THEN TODAY. TODAY MADE ME SICK AS A FAN. BOOING A HURT BROWN CLASSIC CLEVELAND WAY TO GO FANS FOR SETTING US BACK EVEN FURTHER."

Now fans like HIM deserve a winner! I bet there are like...at least eleven or so other fans like him up there!

(Originally posted 11-30-2008)

Goodbye Annika!

Nothing but class! You will be missed!

(Originally posted 11-22-08)

Hey, Dilfer, Got A Sec?

Mr. Game Manager's highest single season completion rate was a whopping 59 percent. The "lucky" beneficiary? Cleveland.

Hey, Dickhead.

What's up, DilBust? You got a few minutes?

You did know that Buccaneer Lori has been watching you, don't you? All these years, she's been watching. Not closely. You weren't worth the time. But BL keeps her ears open. She has sources. And her sources tell her that you've been a big, fat, phony your whole career.

Got a question, babe. Did you take lessons from your former Ravens teammate, Tony Siragusa, on how to run to any television camera you see like a starving dog running to a bowl of Alpo?

This bothers me. You bother me. It's bad enough my Bucs pissed away years, money, and a first rounder on some overrated QB from Fresno State in 1994, but now I have to see your stupid face on ESPN all the time. And before that, on the NFL Network.

It's always the same thing with you, huh Pilfer? At least it was during your career, right? Great guy, team guy, great game manager, blah blah blah blah.

Well, Mr. Great Teammate, the first thing you did after being drafted was......hold out.

Anyway, I won't go too much into the gory details of your Tampa Bay days. It's too painful. Funny how your best season came when we got Warrick Dunn and Mike Alstott.

What a co-inkeedink! Your career got better when he got really good running backs!

Your last four seasons.....58 touchdowns passes. Huh. That's.....14.5 a year. And I'm not even including that horrid rookie year that made all of us nearly overdose on Excedrin.

Oh, you did throw for a 2,700 thousand yards each of those years. That works out to 168 yards a game. Right. Shit, look out Peyton! You got company!

Thanks Wikipedia, for the stats. I had blocked them from my memory.

Anyway, you were so awesome, the Bucs let you go in favor of....Shaun King. Enough said.

It was tough seeing you go though. I mean, you can only attend so many celebration parties in one offseason. You can only drink so many bottles of champaign. You can only cry so many tears of joy.

You're resilient though, Mr. Great Teammate, and soon you found another leg to hump. And you took command (snicker, ha ha, larf) of the Ravens offense after replacing the immortal Tony Banks. Well, if you consider riding that defense and handing the ball off 100 times a game to Jamal Lewis to be "taking command".

And then one day, you, of all people.....had a fucking Super Bowl ring. One horrible day, awful, evil day.....you were a Super Bowl winning quarterback.

Make. Me. Puke.

But you were so great, the Ravens rewarded your efforts by releasing you after you "managed" them to the title and signing Elvis Grbac. I would've done the same thing, Mr. Game Manager.

Game manager, my ass. Game managers, good ones at least, actually can complete more than five passes a game. Calling you a game manager is an insult to the great game managers of the past, like Montana, Young, Theismann (another douchebag), and to a lesser extent, the guy whose water you carried in Seattle, Matt Hasslebeck. It's the kind of QB I project BQ to be.

I hate it when journeymen QBs are called "game managers". There's a lot to being a successful game manager. They win with their brains as much as their arms.

Game managers run offenses. They complete lots of precise timing passes. They do a ton more than just stick their fucking arm out and give the ball to the running back and complete a few screen passes. They move the chains.

Game managers don't just prevent their teams from losing; game managers guide their teams to victory with intelligence, caution, smart passing, lots of completions, and, well, leadership.

You sir, have none of those qualities or skills.

Trent, anybody can perform the rather simple process of telling the offense what play is being run, making the count, and handing off the football and running in the opposite direction. That's not game management; it's game maintenance, and there's a huge difference between the two. A game manager wins games; a game maintenance QB just struggles not to lose games and lets his teammates compensate for his lack of skills.

You'd know about that. You'd know a lot about that. So would Ray "Stabby-Stabby" Lewis, Siragusa, Jamal Lewis, Jonathan Ogden and the rest of your Ravens teammates--they had to carry you.

So off you went to Seattle. Oh, you won a few there while you started in place of Hasslebeck. Uh huh. And we all know how you did it, didn't you? You handed the ball of a lot, made incredibly safe screen and dump off passes, and maintained like no other.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo.......you got injured. Well, that was the only reason you got to start to begin with in Seattle--an injury to the incumbent QB. A healthy Matt Hasslebeck was clearly much more talented than you, and you had only been signed to back him up to begin with. Matt reclaimed his starting spot and you returned to Home Sweet Home: the bench.

In 2005, the Cleveland Browns fell victim to the dual myths of you being Mr. Great Guy and Mr. Game Manager. Yah. They had just drafted a kid out of Akron named Charlie Frye. You would start there until he was ready. They needed a mentor and team guy, and hey, who is more of a team guy than you, huh? So they sent a pick to Seattle and off to Cleveland you went!

Another city to con. Another team to suck for. Another fan base to disappoint. Another wave of "Hey, Trent's a GAH-RATE team guy!". Yah.

So how'd you do? Well, you sucked so much Charlie was deemed "ready" before he really was. Hey, I know I was shocked to the very core of my being.

Hey, Dildouche, do you remember that slant route in Pitt? Braylon Edwards was wide open, cutting over the middle. Put the ball in his hands and it's 80 yards of green turf ahead of him. Yah, you overthrew him by a few feet. I remember the camera angle: all green in front of Edwards. Complete that pass, the Browns take a lead and maybe pull out a win.

If....but....uh....ah....maybe.....oh so close! The story of your career! It's always sumtin'!

So later on in the season, the Browns wanted Charlie to take a few snaps during a beatdown of the Dolphins. You, being a mentor, would have no problem with that, right?

How did you react, Mr. Great Guy?

You sulked at the end of the bench. You whined to the media. In short, you probably made the kid feel like garbage. That's the real Trent Dilfer, Trent. A real "great guy" would've encouraged the kid, congratulated him, and kept his anger to himself. You weren't being pulled for good. They just wanted to give the kid some game time experience in a game in which they had a big lead. You could've been a great guy, like your pr agent says you are.

But not you, Mr. Swell. Nope.

After the season, in May 2006, you wanted out of Cleveland. The official reason: you didn't like the then offensive-coordinator, Maurice Carthon. That was probably true. Carthon was widely considered to be incompetent (Parcells wouldn't let him call plays in Dallas), arrogant, and unapproachable. Boyfriend even told me that Carthon called the wrong blocking schemes.

Well, Dilwood, you could've sucked it up and do what most working people do: work through it.

Oh wait. Real men and real women suck it up. You, on the other hand, threatened to take your ball and go home. Uh huh. You said you'd retire if you weren't traded. You know what the real reason you wanted out? A kid fresh out of the MAC was already your equal.

You saw the handwriting on the wall. You had proven once again that you was merely mediocre.

Hey, remember how you wanted revenge on the Ravens the first time you started against them as a Brown? I can still hear Baltimore laughing. What a fucking joke.

So the Browns just said, "Whatever." They sent you to the 49ers. They got a 7th rounder and, ironically, Ken Dorsey, who has done what you never would: mentor young QBs. He worked with DA. He worked with Charlie. And he's spent the last two seasons working with BQ.

That is what a real teammate is all about, Dildoof. That's a real "great guy".

Well, I'm sure the good folks in SF were ready for a mentor for Alex Smith (judging from Smith's disappointing career, I'm sure that you actually did mentor him). And the mediocre game maintenance guy that is you started a few games for them when Smith was injured. Smith came back and was ineffective and you started some more.

Oh, on and on I go. Same old story. You started only because everyone around you sucked. That should've been your retirement speech: "I was less horrible than the other QBs."

Sometime near the end of your last season, you started showing up on the NFL Network.

Oh, look what great guy Trent was doing! So humble! Such a nice feller! Aw shucks!

You were prepping your sorry ass for a television career. Trent, I think I even saw you on there the day before a 49ers game. You weren't starting by that time, so I guess you thought it was more important to be whoring yourself on the NFL Network than to be prepping for the next day's game. Nah, more important to be auditioning than to help your team.

Whatever.

And Trent, sure as shit, after the season, the 49ers did what so many other teams have done: told you to get the fuck out. You didn't care. You had injured yourself in the offseason playing basketball (wow, what a shock for such an athlete; you probably dibbled it off your tiny nutsack), and said you had been planning to retire anyway.

Of course. ESPN (sucks) came a-calling and you took that gig faster than you could overthrow Yao Ming on an alley oop or hit a corner on the numbers.

Sorry about the mixed metaphor, Trent. I know things like that confuse you.

And guess what? You're still a flop. You still suck. That cheap shot session you took against your former coach and your former GM in C-Town showed just what you are: a bitter hack.

A hack QB. A hack mentor (how'd your protege David Carr do in the NFL?). A hack commentator. A hack person. You're a whiny bitch, and nothing else.

You're a fraud, Dilsuck. You always have been. You're a hypocrite. You always have been.

So last night, I'm all excited. I can watch me some college football. Oh. Fresno State versus Nevada. WAC game. Huh. Well, that's okay. So I hop on my computer and just have the game on as background noise. And what do my ears pick up?

"Hey, look who we found!" said one of the announcers.

OH FUCK ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

And there you were, jackass, smiling your phony, shit-eating smile, holding a mic, and sucking up all the attention and watered-down glory you could get. The patron saint of terrible QBs was basking in the glow of a battle of a WAC game. The Great Guy had returned home to his roots.

Trent, what kind of pathetic loser flies from CT to CA to see a meaningless WAC game? Oh, a pathetic loser who knows that his employer is covering the game! And it was your old school! Of course YOU'D be there! The legend! I bet the fans all accidentally wet themselves when he showed up!

"Hey, dude. That's TRENT DILFER!" "THE Trent Dilfer?" "Yeah!" "I hope I can suck at my job and make as much as he did!" "Yeah, that guy rules! I'm totally skipping my trig exam on Monday in honor of Trent!"

Hey, I bet you even show up to all of the Fresno State games that ESPN doesn't televise! Yah, uh huh. Sure you do, starving Alpo dog. Sure you do.

I can see you begging your bosses at ESPN (sucks) to let you fly out to make your "surprise" appearance. "I'll pay for the flight! Just put me on the air! PLEASE!"

Yeah, you're the guy who called an NFL team "dysfunctional". Shit, look who's talking. Yeah, if anyone knows dysfunctional, it's a loser like you. If anything, dumping your sorry ass proves the Browns are at least functional at some level.

Oh....one more thing about that whole rant against benching DA? You and Derek share the same agent. (Wow, ESPN. How many conflicts of interest are needed to actually tell a guy like this to shut up?)

BL opposed benching DA for all the right reasons; you, Diljerk, opposed it for all the wrong reasons. How typical. How not surprising. How very, very Trent Dilfer. Nothing says "Dilfer" than doing something self-serving and indulgent.

Dilbitch, I probably could've kept my yap shut had you not gone and ripped your former coach and an honorable man, Romeo Crennel as well as Phil Savage. Oh, not that you did it by name. Nooooooo.....you just referred to "that organization".

I'm not a Browns fan. But that would've offended me no matter who you attacked. You aren't credible. You attacked not to defend DA, but to take cheap shots at a team you mistakenly think treated you unfairly.

This has nothing to do with you being a bad QB. There's no fault in that. Many have tried, many have failed. Hey, you were good enough to hang around for many years. No, my issue with you is your attitude and that you're a phony. My issue is with you, not your skills (snicker).

In other words, it's a lack of character issue, not your lack of talent issue.

Don't blame the Browns for giving you what you wanted. Don't blame the Browns for realizing what three other teams before them did: that you are not a good quarterback. You're barely mediocre. That's your fault and nobody else's.

Yeah, Trent. You're a great guy. You're swell. Great team guy. Great person. A great locker room presence. A team leader. A positive influence.

Right Trent. You're all that.

And I'm still a virgin.

(Originally posted on 11-09-2008)