You poor people.....
Shut Up, Holmgren
I like Mike Holmgren. I always have. He's a good guy, a great coach, and has forgotten more about football than I'll ever know. But....
Shut up, Mike. Shut the fuck up.
As you have no doubt heard, the Rams, having lost the tiebreak to the Colts because St. Louis had a stronger schedule (what a crock of shit way to determine a tiebreak), had the 2nd pick and thus were out of the Suck 4 Luck lottery.
No matter. Robert Griffin 3rd turned out to be a pretty fucking great pro QB prospect as well. So the Rams ended up Sucking 4 Griff. And hooooooooo baby, did that pay off.
The feeding frenzy started, followed no doubt by several phone calls to Rams' hottie GM Les Snead from quite a few interested teams. Finally, Snead told all of the interested parties that it was time to settle it and told them to make their best offer and he would decide who he wanted to trade with.
And that was a good move. The bidding and hype were about as high as it was going to get, so why get greedy and let teams sit around and get a boner for Matt Flynn?
Snead told the teams to put in their best offers. I only know for certain two of the teams involved: Cleveland and Washington--there were probably more. Regardless, Washington ponied up their 2013 and 2014 first rounders and 2012 second rounder for the right to exchange their sixth overall pick for the Rams' second.
And you know what? This was a win-win for both sides. Yeah, it sucks to give up first rounders, but the price was right. That's what you pay for a guy you think will be your franchise QB for the next 14 to 15 years. And the Rams were compensated very well. It was a fair deal for both teams.
Shortly after the deal was announced, Browns VP Mike Holmgren was talking to the press and was asked about the deal. And he said that the Browns offer was every bit as good as the Redskins' offer had been. He also basically said that the Browns never had a shot because Rams coach Jeff Fisher and Redskins coach Mike Shanahan were buddies.
Well, Mike wasn't exactly being truthful. In fact, his complaints were all garbage.
Peter King, the greatest fucking football writer working today, reported that the Browns had tried to get in the bidding again after submitting their supposed best offer. I've heard that the holdup was that the Browns didn't want to give up their 22nd overall pick this year (acquired in a draft day trade from Atlanta last year). Apparently, they wanted another shot and would include it.
Snead said no. He said that he had to honor the Redskins offer, as he had told everybody to, you know, make their best offer. The Redskins won. Snead could've screwed the 'Skins and gone with Cleveland, but stayed true to his word (and good for him--Rams fans have a good man and a good GM as well).
Logic would dictate that the Browns, had they really made the best offer, would have gotten RG3.
One, they would have only had to face him every eight years had he gone to the AFC. Now they get to deal with him every few years.
Two, Fisher and Shanahan may be friends, but that doesn't mean Fisher's going to tell Snead to fuck over their own team by taking a lesser deal. Come the fuck on.
Three, the Browns would have swapped the fourth overall pick, a better pick than the Redskins' sixth.
And if the Browns never had a chance to begin with, why did they enter the bidding at all?
Holmgren sure wouldn't appreciate it if Snead had accepted his deal and the let the Redskins back in to reopen the bidding and up the price, would he? I doubt it. Complaining about a friendship is ridiculous. Everybody in the NFL pretty much knows everybody. Shanahan didn't exactly get away with offering nothing. He gave away two first rounders and a second rounder to exchange picks.
WA had the balls to do it. Snead said to bring it, and the 'Skins manned up. Cleveland wanted to keep some pissy-ass 22nd overall pick instead of manning up and going all in. And when they realized their mistake, they wanted Snead to fuck the Skins and do them a solid.
Fuck that.
And credit to the Browns fans who realized that this was a load.
C'mon Mike. You're so much better than that.
And what happens next year if the Rams win a few games, but still end up in the top five? What it WA has a horrible year? What if the Rams get one of those top picks again and Cleveland needs to do business to get Matt Barkley or Landry Jones?
Maybe Snead will say "final offer time" again. And if Cleveland wins, he should do what Cleveland wanted him to do this year: act like a turncoat and reopen the bidding if some other team wants him to.
It won't happen. But nobody would blame Snead if he did just that.
Passing on a stud QB just to keep a glorified second-round pick. How very Cleveland Browns of you, Cleveland Browns.
And by the way Mike? Yeah, the Rams had the right to trade that pick to whoever they wanted for whatever price they wanted. They could've swapped for a seventh round pick. It was their pick.
You valued pick #22 over a franchise QB, plain and simple. #22. Wow. Yeah, go grab that right tackle with that beauty. That will really turn things around. And now you can run around and say how much you're behind Colt McCoy after masturbating to RG3's picture. And you can say how much you love Colt after you've been drooling over Branden Wheeden and Ryan Tannehill.
Sheesh. No wonder that franchise goes through QBs like Kleenex.
STFU Browns Fans
The Rams aren't going to trade up with you and give you a 2nd round pick. They could have already HAD THAT FUCKING PICK YOU IDIOTS!
You guys already have 13 picks in this draft, including two first rounders (remember that awesome and valuable 22nd overall?). You're acting like little kids who are jealous that Tommy down the street scored more Halloween candy than you did and you want to steal some.
You guys were the ones saying people were going to trade with the Browns for the rights to Griffin, because the Rams wouldn't trade down. REALLY? In fact, your team was trying to trade up to get him. We all know how THAT worked out!
Now the Rams are going to trade up. Right.
So why? Oh, for Justin Blackmon. Really? Fisher, a coach who relies on the run as much as any coach in the NFL, is going to spend a first rounder and send you a second rounder to move to take a WR. Blackmon isn't even rated as highly as AJ Green or Julio Jones were coming out of school.
It's okay, guys. We're not laughing with you. We're laughing at you.
I TOLD you Raheem Was A Bad Hire
You don't promote a 32 year-old defensive backs coach to defensive coordinator and then after firing a Super Bowl winning coach, promote that 32 year-old to the head coaching position all in the span of one month.
Just dumb.
So the Bucs sucked dick in 2009. Then in 2010, they went 10 and 6. And I said it wasn't legit. This record was due to a soft schedule, some good breaks, the team overachieving and all that. Smoke and mirrors.
I wanted it to be for real. I wanted it to be the beginning of a great run. But it just didn't feel like that's what it was. Something just seemed kind of off.
This past season, the team imploded. It went 4 and 12 and lost its last ten games convincingly. I believe the term "blow outs" would be appropriate. The coach lost the locker room and the team didn't give two shits about anything. Or at least that's how it seemed.
Sucks to be right, it really does. I didn't personally dislike Raheem. I didn't want him to fail. But you don't hire a 32 year-old d-backs coach to be your head coach to save a fucking dollar and that's exactly what the Glazers did.
Like I said, it sucks to be right.
Raheem, to his credit, didn't sit back after the team fired him. He took a coaching job in D.C. because he didn't want to sit around and just collect the remainder of his contract with Tampa. Good for him.
He'll get another head coaching shot down the road, and he'll be ready for it next time. But in his head coaching debut, he ended up lifting up Fluffy's tail and screwing the pooch so hard it'll need therapy to recover.
Motherfuck Fluffy.....
Welcome, Greg Schiano!
Not many were excited by this hiring, but I loved it. Schiano will bring back some discipline to a Bucs team that underachieved big time in 2011 but is loaded with talent. Schiano built Rutgers up from nothing. And while he didn't score any national titles there, so what?
The coaching position has been upgraded and he'll install a run-first system that will help Freeman continue to grow and rely on a defense with a lot of talent. I like it. Not a splashy hire, but the Glazers don't pay for anything splashy (or new office furniture or other such luxuries).
Alex and Ryan Rule The Sports World
Oh, you don't believe me? Read on.
First, they were Sucking 4 Luck. Well, of course we know they didn't get that first pick. But they did get the second pick. And RG3 got them lots of nice, high draft picks from Washington. They pretty much got for RG3 that they would have gotten for Luck.
Second, their next demand was a new coach and GM. Now Spags being fired was a foregone conclusion. But they wanted Billy Devaney fired (can't say I blame them) and a real GM hired.
So Jeff Fisher announces that he wants to coach again.
"We want Jeff Fisher."
And they waited as Jeff decided who he wanted to coach. Finally, after a couple of weeks, I heard, "Hurry up and decide, Fisher! We're not going to wait much longer!"
Two days later, Fisher was the new Rams head coach.
About a week after that, I heard, "Hurry up and get us a new GM!" About three days later, Les Snead was offered the job (and early reviews are that this dude is money. except from butt-sore Browns fans and Mike Holmgren).
Third, not being satisfied with rebuilding the Rams, they turned their attention to the Lakers.
"Get us a point guard!"
And soon Ramon Sessions, a very talented and young point guard, was obtained from the Cavaliers for the price of a useless first round draft pick.
Fourth, not satisfied YET, I heard, "Get rid of McCourt and finish the auction so the Dodgers can have a real owner!" Soon, a group headed by Laker legend Magic Johson won the auction with a two billion dollar bid.
Listen, I'm not saying there's anything to this beyond coincidence. But I'd suggest staying on their good side so they don't scream that they want a meteor to fall through the roof of your house.
Better safe than sorry.
Oh When the Saints Go Bountying In......
Okay, "bountying" isn't a real word.
Saints fans, I don't really take joy in your troubles (snicker), I really don't (guffaw).
But here's a list of crap I don't want to hear:
"Everybody does it."
How do you know? And even if everybody does it, YOU got caught. And you got caught even after you knew that the NFL had been investigating this.
"It's not fair!"
The Pats were fined more money and lost a first round pick over Spygate, a lesser crime (in my opinion) than Bounty Gate. And "it's not fair" is the biggest pussy line ever.
"Nobody got hurt!"
You don't know that. And that's not the fucking point. The point is that you broke the rules. I don't care if Spygate gave the Pats an unfair advantage or not. They broke the rules and had to pay. You broke the rules and have to pay for it.
Hey, all of your dicks got a little bigger and a little harder when Gregg Williams boasted after beating the Vikings in the NFC title game that your defense gave Vikings QB Brett Favre some "remember me" shots.
In other words, the idiot was bragging that the Saints were dishing out cheap shots to Favre. And that was after the team knew the NFL had been conducting an investigation.
I'd like to add here that Brett Favre getting some extra snot kicked out of him actually doesn't bother me at all. But that's not really relevant to the conversation.
Just fucking deal with it. Your team is still loaded. You'll survive without Sean Payton this year. Mickey Loomis, your GM, is a glorified bean counter. You'll be fine. You'll make the playoffs and contend. Quit bitching.
Quit fucking whining or I'll send over some Pats fans to explain how THEY didn't do anything wrong regarding Spygate. Trust me, this is a lecture you do NOT want to sit through.
I Was Wrrrrr.... I Was Wrrrrrrrr
Remember that Happy Days episode where Fonzie tried to say that he was wrong and couldn't, even though he wanted to?
Yeah, I was wr...wr....wr.....wr...
WRONG!
I was wrong about Cam Newton. Even if he has a sophomore slump in 2012, at the end of the day, this guy is the real deal. He can run, he's the size of a fullback, has speed and can pass. And he'll only get better.
Cam, you're terrific. And you handled all of the attention and success with a ton of class. I hate propping up a rival QB, but pal, you deserve it.
Nicely done, Cam!
I was wrong.
Suck it Fonzie, you bitch. You ruined Happy Days when you and Mrs. C fucked in front of Joanie. It fucked her up so much that she ended up marrying Chachi. And you couldn't even take your leather jacket off when you plowed Mrs. C. I mean, c'mon dude.
Oh well. It was still a better episode than the Ralph/Potsie/Richie circle jerk.
"Ayyyyyyyyyyy! I shot my wad-a-mundoooooooooo! Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy! Fix me a sandwich, Mrs. C! Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Da Fonz built himself up an appetite when he banged you over the counter! Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Wow. From Cam Newton to Fonzie fucking Mrs. Cunningham. That's a stretch even for BL.
The Sequel to RG and Luck
Please look at the two following stat lines from the 2011 college football season.
288 completions out of 404 attempts. 3,517 yards passing. 67 percent completion rate. 37 touchdown passes, 10 interceptions. 162.8 passer rating.
And.....
308 out of 446 attempts. 3528 yards passing. 69.1 completion rate. 39 touchdowns, 7 interceptions. 161.2 passer rating.
The second set is better in the yards passing, completion percent, touchdowns and interception categories and barely behind in the passer rating.
Care to guess who these stat lines belong to? Care to guess who is number one and who is number two?
The first set belongs to Andrew Luck and the second to Matt Barkley. Wild, huh?
I'm not using the lines to say that Matt's better or had a better year. My point is that if Andrew's a great prospect, so is Matt.
His stats are better (slightly) in every category except passer rating. Both sets are awesome. It's just funny that Barkley had that type of year and no one seemed to notice too much.
But kids, I've watched him. A lot. And man, that young guy is fucking great. Above average arm, quick release, amazing accuracy. And composed. As a freshman, he went into the HorseShi---er, HorseShoe--in Columbus and beat down the Fuckeyes with an awesome game-winning drive.
He's in Luck's league as a prospect, and that's a huge compliment.
So who plays RG3 to Barkley's Luck?
Landry Jones, the big QB out of Oklahoma. These two guys will be 1A and 1B. At this point, I'd give the edge to Barkley, but we still get to watch these guys for one more year. And you just know another stud QB will pop up like RG3 did.
Next year's Ryan Tannehill will be Tennessee's Tyler Bray.
And you thought THIS NFL off-season was fun?
Chick-cannery and the NFL
When guys--off line or on line--find out how much I love football, it's always the same response: "COOL!" And I'm happy to say that I've never--not once--had a guy talk down to me because I was a chick.
Guys like chicks who like football. And why wouldn't they? It's a great sport, the guy can find a common ground to speak with another person and it's fun.
This has really been developing over the last few years, as the NFL has gained more and more in popularity with women.
This is a good, good thing.
And Finally......
The draft is this Thursday! YES BABY! Thursday through Saturday, motherfuckers! Motherfuck Carp, I LOVE the draft!
So, some thoughts about that.....
Miami passes on Tannehill. I don't fucking care if Mike Sherman, Miami's OC, was Tannehill's college coach. He doesn't make the draft decisions. Jeff Ireland does. And if Stephen Ross, Miami's owner, knows his role, he'll shake some hands, talk to some reporters, and sit down and let his GM draft the best player for Miami.
Michael Floyd may jump ahead of Justin Blackmon. The only reason he's listed below Justin, with everything factored in, is a couple of off-field incidents. Floyd's as much of a beast as Blackmon. Really, you can't go wrong either way.
If I could take any player for Tampa, I'd take Trent Richardson in a heartbeat. I would RUN the card to the podium myself, flash Roger Goodell, and then flash the television audience to celebrate. My second choice would be Morris Claiborne. No matter, though. If the Bucs stay smart and stay put, they'll end up with a great player.
If Cleveland is smart (and they aren't), they'll stay put and take Trent. This guy is a winner and will greatly improve that offense. He'll help McCoy develop. But fuck, who knows with this franchise. But I'd be thrilled if they passed on him and the Bucs got him.
Rams, if you trade up, Alex and Ryan will go to St. Louis after the draft and kick in Snead's and Fisher's nut sacks. And I will too, for making me look stupid. Stay at six and let an awesome guy drop to you. I mean, can you really go wrong with one of these possible guys: Richardson, Claiborne, Kahlil, Fletcher Cox, Blackmon or Floyd? Uh, no. Stay put and draft a stud.
Minnesota, if you don't take Kahlil, you're fucking crazy. Yeah, trade down or take Blackmon or Claiborne and let Ponder get destroyed for another year. Take Kahlil and you have your franchise LT for the next 10 plus years and a promising young QB. Or take someone else, let Christian get 37 concussions, and look for a new QB next year (I hear Tyler Bray.....) Talk about over-thinking something.
I think Ryan Tannehill will go in the first round. Common sense says it should be around 20 or later. But teams reach for a QB. And I've been saying on FaceBook that a team to look out for is Kansas City.
Their starting QB is Matt Cassel. For some idiotic reason, they didn't beg Kyle Orton to stay. Orton > Cassel by a country mile. Do they stick with Cassel and hope to get into the QB sweeps next year? This is a problem. KC has enough talent to go 8 and 8 or 9 and 7 even with Cassel at the helm just due to their great running game. That'll knock them way out of range to trade up for one of the top two guys.
And for them, Tannehill IS an upgrade. He isn't for Miami. Matt Moore has earned another shot to prove himself. But to use BL math again: Matt Moore > Matt Cassel by a mile.
So, who should Miami pick? B fucking P fucking A. That simple. Don't trade up for Tannehill, don't draft him if he falls to #8. Just take BPA and go with Moore. Like St. Louis, you can stay put and get a stud. Even Riley Rief to anchor your RT position would help your team more.
Enjoy the draft!
Motherfuck Mel Kiper, baby! Mel rules! Motherfuck Kipe!
