"I suck."Buccaneer Lori is here, and it's time to swallow your medicine, you sniveling, spoiled brats! You got what you wanted, both of you fanbases! Let's deal with the Bucs "fans" first.
Yeah, you good folks, have a seat. Sit down, shut up, and listen up. Browns fans, go to the back of the room. I've supplied a huge picture of Brady Quinn, several tubes of Astroglide and several boxes of Kleenex.
You all wanted Gruden gone, huh, Bucs fans? You wanted a guy who brought a Super Bowl to Tampa gone. Yeah, he had a bad losing streak that kept our team out of the playoffs last year. But our team was consistently a contender, and a lot of fans in a lot of other cities (Kansas City, Detroit, and Oakland, just to name a few) would give just about anything to be a contender every season.
So all's well now that Gruden and Bruce Allen are gone, right?
Uh......maybe not.
First, an overrated Dallas team smacked the Bucs around. Then, Sunday, the Buffalo Bills bent the Bucs over and kicked their asses. And it it gonna get any better this year.
Should you all be shocked? Your new boyfriends, Raheem "The Bad Dream" Morris and Mark Dominik, your super-awesome upgrade over Bruce Allen, took a giant douche and shot it right in the team's face. Gone was, among many notable defensive stalwarts, Derrick Brooks.
And on Monday, when Raheem was asked if he was concerned about the team's defensive problems getting out of control, he responded that they already WERE out of control. Wow. At least the young "genius" is candid.
Fucking great. This from a d-backs coach turned d-coordinator-named head coach in less than a month. Fucking great. I feel so much better now. A defensive-minded head coach.....is admitting that under his watch, the defensive problems are mounting.
I bet all of you guys drank that Kool-Aid when the 32 year-old (or however old is isn't) got the job. How DID Raheem get that job to begin with? Because he was being asked to interview for head coaching jobs with other teams? Because he was standing around the hall? Because he happened to be home when the Glazer Fucks called?
Nice draft, by the way. Josh Freeman. Wow. Does it concern any of you that Raheem knew Josh when he was coaching at Kansas State? These personal coach-player relationships destroy objectivity.
Remember, Phil "I Sucked As A GM" Savage tried to trade up to get JaMarcus Russell a few drafts ago. JaBustus just happened to have attended several of Savage's football camps growing up.
Huh. What kind of football camp would a horrible GM like Savage run? How to overspend on shitty wide receivers like Donte' Stallworthless? How to trade away future draft picks on players that will end up on the practice squad? How to draft players that'll end up out of the league in two years? How to bask in Ozzie Newsome's spotlight when he drafts pro-bowlers year after year? How to run to any microphone you see like Starving Alpo Dog Trent Dilfer?
Oh, speaking of Savage, remember in the 2008 draft how dingus traded away the team's 2009 third rounder to draft a tight end named Martin Rucker in the fourth round? Yeah, the Browns just released Rucker. Good job, Phil!
Want another one?
In the same draft--2008--Savage traded away a 2009 fifth round pick so he draft some project wide receiver named Paul Hubbard in the sixth round. Hubbard--who probably wouldn't have been drafted at all and could've been signed as an undrafted free agent later on--was put on the practice squad and has been released. How about yet another?
Same draft. Phil had traded away the first three picks (the first for Quinn in the 2007 draft, the second for a player named Corey Williams who didn't fit the Browns' 3-4 defense, and the third for Shaun Rogers, one of his few smart moves) in the draft.
So the Browns were set. They'd start drafting in the fourth. So I'm watching the draft with boyfriend and he groaned.
"What?"
"I just know that the idiot's going to fuck up."
"I just know that the idiot's going to fuck up."
Didn't take long. The fourth round started and Savage traded up in the fourth. He gave up a 2008 fifth rounder to swap up in the fourth round. There was this awesome linebacker named Beau Bell he wanted. Bell barely played last year and has since been released.
Anyway, now that we've finished Phil Savage's Guide To Drafting Like A Shithead, back to Freeman.
Every draft, due to the supply and demand regarding teams' needs and such, two or three QBs float up to the first round.
Take 2005, when Aaron Rogers and Alex Smith were the top dudes at QB. One has succeeded wildly (Rogers), while the other, well, didn't (Smith). In a logical world, Rogers clearly had superior credentials to Smith. He played in a pro-style offense in a tougher conference, whereas Smith played almost exclusively from the shotgun in college. When the 49'ers--who had the top pick and thus could negotiate before the actual draft with different players) reached an agreement with Smith, they selected him.
And the repercussions were felt a few years later when Green Bay had the legit QB from that draft.
So back to this year's draft. The perfect storm was set. Raheem knew Freeman. The supply and demand of the position inflated Freeman's worth and all of a sudden, the Bucs had themselves their QB of the future.
Sure, they had to trade away a sixth rounder to the Browns to swap spots in the first round, but hey, it's Raheem's boyfriend, so it was worth it.
Anybody with half a brain would've drafted Beanie Wells, Rey Maualuga, or somebody else who could actually help team team. You don't take a QB project in the first round. What, did Raheem think he and Josh would nail some coeds together?
And you couldn't address needs in the second round. You sent THAT pick to Cleveland for an overrated, broken down douche bag named Kellen Winslow, he of such class that he spat on his own general manager after a game last season. Pig. I may not like Savage, but spitting on another person is so low class....that only a POS like Winslow would do it.
And spare me the blame on Gaines Adams, 2008's first rounder. Yeah, he's not going to do as well when you rip apart a playoff-calibre defense. Nobody is. But Mr. Player's Coach, Raheem, calls Adams out in the media. Fuck you, Morris. At least he's on the field, unlike Josh Freeman, who's "learning". Yeah. He'll need to learn for a long, long, time.
Hey, here's some quarterbacks that didn't need to spend a few seasons sitting and learning: Sanchez, Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco and Matt Stafford (he'll be good, trust me). Those are QBs you take in the first. Guys like Alex Smith and Raheem's boyfriend you take in the third and hope for the best.
Allen and Gruden wouldn't have torn apart the defense. They were too smart to do something that arrogant and stupid. They wouldn't have sent a second for Winspit. They wouldn't have released our veterans. They sure as fuck wouldn't have drafted Josh Freeman.
Hey, Michael Clayton, your team sucks, Mr. Drop The Ball. You still glad that horrible coach is gone, you overrated, backstabbing butthole-bitch?
Are any of us happy? In one off-season, we degraded the coaching staff, the front office, and the entire roster. We went from a solid playoff contender to a weak team in one fell swoop. It didn't have to happen. By the Glazers' logic, once you have a dent in a nice, working car, you take a sledgehammer to it and get rid of it. Then you take the bus for a few years and save up for a new car.
It's not like we were over the cap. Shit, when they started cutting the heart out of this team, we were well under the cap. Maybe Mr. Asshole Glazer didn't want to pay the players.
Bucs fans, you happy that your Super Bowl winning coach is gone? If you are, then you're getting what you deserve. Fuck that. You're getting what you deserve regardless.
Now get the fuck out of here. I need to speak to another group of morons.
Hi Browns fans! You remember to wash your hands and mop up the wall and ceiling?
Last season, when Derek Anderson was benched, I said, "Benching Derek isn't fair, isn't smart, and won't make the team better."
Right again I am, I am! I'm immune to Brady Quinn cult spam!
Congrats. You got your man, Brady Quinn, named starting QB. You got what you wanted. You wanted, sniveled, begged, wailed, pants-pissed, tantrumed, shat, cried, whined, bitched, screamed for, pouted, and prayed for this. You jeered Derek Anderson when he blew out his knee last year. You hated him, and you wanted everyone to know that.
How's that working out for you? How's Quinn doing?
Not well. Not well at all. And you Quinn jackers can spare me the "he's a rookie crap". He's NOT a rookie. This is his third season. Mark Sanchez is already 100 times the QB Quinn is and he IS a rookie.
And spare me the "Sanchez is on a better team" shit. You didn't offer DA that excuse. Well, Detroit doesn't have all that much talent, but Matt Stafford's out there slinging the rock.
Quinn can't make deep reads. He fumbles. He's throws interceptions. 90 percent of the time, he checks down and dumps off the pass to the tight end or running back. His passes flutter. His release is in slow motion (he makes Byron Leftwich, the one good thing Morris has done, look fast)--that is, when he's not just holding the ball and waiting for someone to be ten yards clear of the nearest defender.
"No no no no....he's only five yards off you! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
DA has always had a fast release. That discourages blitzing and stacking the box. Defenses don't like getting burned by a fast release hitting the hot receiver.
Another thing: DA hits the receivers in stride. Quinn looks like he needs a stationary target. But hey, Braylon Edwards doing the splits to catch a pass is fucking awesome. It's just like college football: throw to the man, not the spot where the man's supposed to be.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure his mechanics are much better than Anderson's, right? LMAO Yeah, those great mechanics led Quinn to have three passes in a row deflected against Denver. One hit a Denver lineman in the facemask! Now that's a deflection!
ROFLMAO GREAT MECHANICS THERE!
Yeah, that'll get it done!
BQ even dumps off in garbage time. Against Denver, with a minute or so left and the game already lost, BQ was still dumping off passes to his running back. Shit, chuck the fucking ball down the field. Game's over anyway, so who cares?
Of course, it didn't get it done against an average (at best) Denver defense. It didn't get it done against the Vikings (an admittedly better defense). It sure as fuck won't get it done Sunday against Baltimore (bring your diapers, Quinn).
Here's another good one: he had to split first-team reps with DA, in training camp, so that hindered him. LMAO Yeah, so the second coming of Troy Aikman didn't improve with competition? Yeah, I guess a high calibre QB like BQ needs his fucking hand held or something. If DA was such crap and BQ so good, why did it take so long for him to "win" the job.
Yeah, he won the job. Right. There would've been a riot if Quinn hadn't "won" the job.
And now, some of you Quinn holdouts are screaming that we all must be more patient.
Nope. Not me. Not this pirate chick.
You SHIT all over Derek Anderson. You shit all over him when he was passing for over 3,500 yards and winning 10 games for you underserving creeps. You shit over him last year, even though the whole team's wheels came off. You weren't patient with DA.
It was his fault Braylon Edwards dropped every important pass. It was his fault when Jamal Lewis ran the wrong route in the second Baltimore game and the pass was intercepted. It was his fault that Romeo Crennel's shitty prevent defense couldn't hold any leads.
You weren't preaching patience then, so you don't get to preach it now.
Here's another Quinn excuse that gets me every time: "He has to take what the defense gives him."
ROFLMAO times a million!
DA is streaky, but a QB can either bully the other team's defense or be bullied. Quinn is bullied. DA isn't. DA threw interceptions, for sure, but he also tired out the opposing defense and threw plenty of touchdown passes.
The field shrinks with Quinn; it's stretched with DA.
Browns fans, keep being happy with BQ allowing opposing defenses to set the tone. Because what great defenses (or even decent defenses like Denver's) do is "give" him shitty four-yard dumpoffs. Then they close in more and more. They tighten the noose. They shorten the already short field for Quinn.
Why should a stud defense like Pitt's or Baltimore's respect a QB who "takes what they give him?" Fuck that. Stud defenses laugh at QBs who take what they're given!
Of course you have to complete short passes (admittedly, DA's weakness). But you have to do more than that. Quinn is averaging 5.5 yards per pass attempt this season. That's garbage, I'm sorry.
Drew Brees doesn't "take what they give him." He fucking takes it and says "Fuck off, I want another touchdown." Quinn says, "Yes sir, opposing defense. Thank you for that two-yard gain. May I have another?"
Peyton Manning doesn't "take what they give him." He laughs, hauls his arm back, and hits whatever receiver he fucking wants to hit. Quinn says, "May I pass for four yards now, opposing defense? PLEASE can I have one first down? PLEASE?"
Quinn can't beat you deep. So defenses can stack up against the run and dump off by bringing up their d-backs and close up the box or blitz the dreamboat. But hey, at least he takes what they give him.
Yeah, it's a bitter pill to swallow. Here's some water, losers.
To those of you who now realize that just maybe your idol, Quinn, isn't quite the next Joe Montana, TOUGH SHIT! Too late! Quinn was your boy. Now your asses hurt and you don't know what to do! Better late than never? LMAO Yeah, okay!
TOUGH SHIT!
To those who've always stood by DA, sorry guys......you were right, but that doesn't make you feel better as Quinn dinks and dunks his way to another loss. You were happy when DA won those ten games and wanted to see what he could do if they franchise put it's efforts into his career instead of the Golden Boy's.
But you knew that this preseason's QB competition was bullshit. The entire offense was built around Quinn's "strengths". Actually, to be fair, this offensive scheme that favors ball control and short passes came with Eric Mangini. But the result was the same: Quinn's skills were more tailored to this barfy offense than DA's gunslinging style.
Hey Browns fans.....you're 0 and 2. Your offense can't stay on the field and your defense gets exhausted and eventually breaks. Get used to it. With DA, you were high-octane fun at best and at least exciting at worst. Now you're just boring and irrelevant.
Your pro-bowl QB sits on the bench so you're rave-fave can play. You people are a fucking laughingstock, you know that? Then again, we're not looking that much smarter in Tampa, are we?
At least I get to see my boy-toy Jon every Monday night! Now that's some great television! I love me some Gruden with my Monday Night Football!
Cleveland, Tampa, you got just what you wanted. How's that working out for you?
Misery may love company, but I bet that you're finding out that stupidity does as well.
I don't hate to say I told you so.... So I TOLD YOU SO!
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LMAO
A couple of weeks ago, I read that the moneygrubber suing Big Ben Roethlisberger for rape was willing to drop her suit if he offered her a public apology!
This was all after some incrimnating emails she sent BEFORE the alleged rape were discovered. They dealt with how she was trying not to go up to his room and fuck him.
And they were sent from her company email to a coworker! Unfucking real!
Another one she sent after the supposed rape dealt with how she hoped she was pregnant with Big Ben's child.
Now she's willing to drop the suit for an apology. LMAO Big Ben, don't give her a fucking thing.
Unless that one thing is the finger.
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