The Return.....Of Buccaneer Lori......

Okay, first off, let's get a few things straight.

One, if you don't like what I predict for your team, too fucking bad. It's a prediction, nothing more. It's like NFL fans who get pissed off at mock drafts. I hate fans that take this stuff so fucking personally.

Two, go make your own if you don't like mine. I don't care.

Three, if you disagree, feel free to say so. If you're an ass, I'll treat you like one. If you're respectful, I'll give that back. Your choice.

Okay? Glad we're clear on this.

Oh, and just to let you know, I went on record in 2007 and picked the Giants to beat the invincible Pats. We all know how THAT worked out.

Hey, Randy Moss? Was I right or was I right?

"Straight cash, homie!"

NFC EAST

Dallas, 11-5

I don't know why, but I just think this team is going to play at its talent level, which is pretty high. I can't stand the Ryan family (especially that foot-licking Jets coach, Rex), but they do know what they're doing. And Rob is the d-coordinator for Dallas now. I think the defense will overcome its holes and Garrett will have this team focused and fired up.

Philadelphia 9-7

I'm crazy? Maybe I am. But how often do teams that "win" free agency win the real championship? Rarely. The main concern is this O-line. At this point, Philly's still shuffling around offensive linemen. Scary to be doing that so close to the regular season. Something's really wrong here. Also, naming their O-line coach to be their defensive coordinator was a bit of an odd choice. I love me some Andy Reid, but......

NY Giants 8-8

Injuries have already hurt this team badly.

Washington 5-11

John Beck or Rex Grossman? Really? REALLY? Oh, that's okay. Running back Tim Hightower can carry the offense.

LOL I say, LOL.

NFC WEST

St. Louis 10-6

That's right. Steve Spagnuolo has his front 7 in place, a franchise QB in Sam Bradford and a very good O-coordinator in Josh McDaniels. Stephen Jackson still has a few strong years left and will be spelled by Cadillac Williams. The WRs remain a question mark, although Mike Sims-Walker was a nice free agent signing (although Sidney Rice would've been nicer).

Arizona 9-7

I LOVE Kevin Kolb. And I LOVE Larry Fitzgerald. And I swoon over the prospect of Kolb to Fitzgerald over and over again. I don't trust this defense, though. And when Beanie Wells is your main RB.....well......let's just say you don't have to worry about putting 8 men in the box.

Talk about just a guy.

San Francisco 6-10

Alex Smith. Colin Kaepernick. Yeah.

And Frank Gore might miss some playing time. And don't give me Braylon Edwards helping in Michael Crabtree's absence. It's one overrated WR filling in for another. The Jets were so in love with Edwards that they let him walk and signed Plaxico Burress--and it was an upgrade.

Seattle 4-12

LMAO Really? Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst? Really? Bad O-line. No receivers of note. Expect Marshawn Lynch's wheels to come off the rims by week 9.

How Seattle let Matt Hasselbeck walk away is beyond me. How Seattle didn't go out and try and steal Kolb is also beyond me. Yeah, Arizona gave up some value to get Kolb--a second-round pick and a very good cornerback in Dominique Rogers-Cromartie. But I have a feeling that they're not feeling too butt-hurt about it.

Seattle, you're about to go through what Arizona did last year--A long, long season with two very not good QBs. Enjoy.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay 12-4

They have twelve--TWELVE--starters coming back from injured reserve. And with twelve starters on injured reserve, they still won the Super Bowl (and even starting CB Charles Woodson was lost in the first half of the SB). They'll only be stronger. Aaron Rogers has reached elite status, the WR are insanely deep and the defense is only going to get better. If you hated GB winning the Super Bowl last year, you probably won't want to watch it in a few months.

Somewhere, Brett Favre is pissing down his leg at the thought of Rogers winning his second Super Bowl. That's a shame.

Detroit 10-6

You heard me. Matt Stafford has the tools to be one of the very best QBs in this league. The d-line is scary. Good coach in Jim Schwartz. Ndamukong Suh, Stafford, Nick Fairley, Matt Stafford.....this team is going to be very, very good in the coming years. After the horrid Matt Millen era, I can't say that they don't deserve the success that's coming.

Chicago 8-8

Roy Williams might not even stick there, leaving who to catch Cutler's passes? Johnny Knox? And that's assuming that Cutler hasn't been pounded into chopped liver by game five. Dumb move getting rid of Greg Olsen, a talented and underrated tight end.

Ah, the "genius" that is Mike Martz...... "I don't need no pass-catching tight end in my brilliant system!"

Minnesota 5-11

The reach for Christian Ponder at 11 overall was moronic. They could--and should--have drafted a position player who could contribute immediately, not a 2-year project. I like Ponder--hey, he's an FSU kid, right?--but he could've easily been had in round 2. Sidney Rice is gone. And Donovan--whom I've always liked--will prove that he's reached the end of the line.

Joe Webb? LMAO Okay, whatever.

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta 11-5

Matt Ryan's the real deal. While the trade up to get Julio Jones will kick them in the groin in the future, it won't hurt this year. Roddy White and Julio Jones? Nice pair of receivers to throw to. Michael Turner isn't a glamorous RB, but he gets the job done.

Tampa Bay 10 and 6

If you don't believe me, take a little look-see at the roster. The Bucs aren't ready to win it all yet, but they're good. And they're going to get better. It won't show record-wise, but this team will improve this year. I like their future. Well, that or I'm just being a homerfuck. Either or. Like I said, look at the roster.

Just avoid looking at Aquib Talib straight on or you might get pistol-whipped. Just sayin'.

New Orleans 8-8

Much like NE did to the Greatest Show On Turf many Super Bowls ago, Seattle proved last year that if you punch a finesse team in the mouth hard enough, it backs down. Drew Brees or no Drew Brees, I see them underachieving this season.

And that'll free up their fan base to go back to ignoring them again.

Carolina 4 and 12

And I'm being generous. Cam Newton will start. And that's about all the excitement Carolina fans will get this year. And that'll only be until they realize how much this guy is going to suck.

And he IS going to suck.

Division Winners: St. Louis, Green Bay, Atlanta, Dallas. Wild cards: Tampa Bay and Detroit.

AFC EAST

New England 11-5

Tom Brady will rev up this offense again and their young defense has a year of experience under it's belt. You just can't bet against Belichick.

NY Jets 11-5

NE will win the East based on tiebreakers. Once again, the Jets will field an insanely good defense and decent offense.

Miami 8-8

Good young defense, but question marks at the QB position.

Buffalo 5 and 11

Good team, just doesn't have enough talent yet. Drafting C.J. Spiller so high a few years ago was a huge mistake.

AFC WEST

San Diego 12-4

This team IS that talented. Phillip Rivers could put up big numbers just throwing to high school players. Now he has Vincent Jackson back. They had the #1 rated offense AND defense last year, but their special teams really screwed them over. They have a new special teams coach, and I don't see that biting them in the ass again.

Oakland 9-7

Despite Al Davis' insane drafting, there's actually some decent talent on this team. It swept all six divisional games last year. Imagine how good they could be if they hadn't wasted three or so years developing a loser like JaSuckus Russel. Now they have to rely on Jason Campbell, a decent QB, but hardly a star.

Kansas City 7-9

Cassell won't have another great year. Baltimore exposed KC in the wild card round last year. Some talent, but not enough to compete with SD. This was one of those quickie rebuilds you see so often in the NFL that make a splash for a year.

Denver 5-11

Oh come on, Bronco fans. Be happy if they win six games. And quit trying to replace Kyle Orton with Tebow or Quinn. What does this guy have to do to get any respect? Miami fans were begging for him, but you all want a project like Tebow or a good-looking bust like Quinn to start.

Really, you kind of deserve to be in last place with that point of view.

AFC SOUTH

Houston 11-6

FINALLY, Houston makes the playoffs. Now that Wade Phillips is running the defense, you'll see a significant improvement. The Texans' defense was beyond putrid last year. Jonothan Joseph was a nice free agent pick up. Even with the switch to the 3-4, the defense will improve. And the offense, led by Arian Foster, Matt Shaub, and the incredible Andre Johnson will continue to light it up.

Indianapolis 9-7

You can't make a nerve grow faster through therapy, and that means that Peyton might miss a few games. I like the Kerry Collins signing, but he isn't enough to stave off some early season losses. Indy will come back next year, though. Colts fans, at some point this insane run of success had to end. Just look at it as a year off.

Jacksonville 7-9

I really have no clue. Could be 8-8, 9-7 and 6-10. All I know is that their receivers are nothing special (and they lost Mike Sims-Walker), their QB is really cool but not all that great (David Garrard) and that the QB-in-waiting needs to wait at least a year, maybe two. Whatever.

Tennessee 5-11

My friend and playmate Mitzie will give me shit about this, but hey, it be what it be. Jake Locker is a year away. Matt Hasslebeck is still a good QB, but very susceptible to injury at his age. Chris Johnson could end up holding out well into the regular season. Throw all this on top of a coaching change, and it could spell a long year in Titans Land.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh 12-4

Fuck, this team even wins when Dennis Dixon is at QB.

Let me repeat that: Dennis Dixon.

Pitt is one of those rare teams where it doesn't really matter who they lose in free agency, they'll still be good. They have Big Ben healthy for opening of the season. Their WRs (after Hines Ward) are young and talented and Rashad "Foot In Twitter Mouth" Mendenhall is a big beast for grinding out yards on the ground. And their defense, is well, their defense.

Pitt doesn't win pretty. It just wins a lot.

Baltimore 11-5

The mirror image of Pittsburgh will once again challenge with a strong defense and solid running game. But Anquan Boldin or no Anquan Bolding, Pitt's receivers are better, and their QB is much better than Joe Flacco. They'll beat a lot of other teams, but they won't win as many games as Pittsburgh.

Baltimore does the things Pitt does--it just doesn't do them quite as well.

Cleveland 8-8

If you look at Colt McCoy's jock, that'll be me that's on it. I've been sold on him since his college days and I think he was a steal in the third round in 2010. If the WR group can show any improvement (and trust me, it won't be hard), then McCoy can win some games for the Browns. Hillis is healthy and Phil Taylor and Jabol Sheard look like very solid additions to the d-line. Guard Eric Steinbach might miss the season, though, and that isn't good news for McCoy. But an o-line that features future Hall of Famer Joe Thomas at left tackle and Alex Mack at center is pretty strong to begin with. Still, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Cincinnati 4-12

Andy Dalton and AJ Green will be a great QB-WR tandem for years to come. They'll even be fun to watch this year. But both are rookies and will experience a lot of bumps this year (especially Dalton). Aside from that, there just aren't many reasons to be excited this year in Cincy.

Division winners: NE, Pitt, Houston, SD. Wild card teams: NY Jets and Baltimore.

Super Bowl: Green Bay defeats San Diego.

Or not. Like I said, disagree with it and go do your OWN list! Thphtthht!

Cleveland Fans, You Are What You Are....

And what you are is laughable! JUST LAUGHABLE!

As you know, my boyfriend's wife, Alex, is quite the Lakers fan. The Lakers are to her what the Bucs are to me.

That makes sense. Certain towns are basketball towns (Los Angeles), some are baseball towns (St. Louis, Chicago), and some are football towns (Pittsburgh, Green Bay).

Anyway, Alex adores her Lakers and has ever since she was a little kid. So she's talking to somebody in a chat room about the All-Star game yesterday and some Cleveland idiot PMs her with that played "Kobe's a ball hog" and "southern California fans are front-runners" crap.

Of course, Alex DESTROYS this loser with her response. Alex is like me: if you don't start the trash talk, she won't. But once it comes, put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

Finally, Cleveland Loser tucks his loser tail between his legs and shuffles off, no doubt to hump his Brady Quinn poster and kiss the picture of Bernie Kosar he has taped to his pillow.

Your girl BL hits a lot of the message boards of NFL teams. And one of the sites is a Browns "fan" site. And this is rich.

So right before the Seahawks were to play the Rams (my bf and his wife's fave team), the morons were talking about the Mangini firing (big mistake). One Seahawk fan was, very nicely, saying that patience would've been best served and the team should've kept EM.

Well, some douche bag Browns fan, who lives in Seattle but is originally from Cleveland, starts shitting on this Seahawk fan, who is a very respectful and knowledgeable poster. And it's the "your fan base sucks" routine that Browns Fan specializes in. Typical Cleveland loser talk.

You see, Browns Fan is an expert at running down other fan bases. It's what he does. And that's because it's all he has.

When LeBron went to Miami, it was "all those Miami fans are front runners". Whenever Kobe and the Lakers win anything, "all those LA fans are front runners." Oh, and get this: they call Steeler fans--STEELER FANS!--front runners. Yeah, supposedly those Steeler fans weren't interested in that team until the seventies.

ROLLING ON FLOOR LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF!

Yeah, Browns Fan, all the other fan basses are shit and aren't "hard core" like you fucking myopic twits. You're AWESOME!

Let's look at HOW awesome you are!

----When the Indians couldn't resign Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome and Omar Vizquel, those sell-outs at the Jake stopped immediately! Yeah, a coincidence, right?

----Before you landed LeBron, you couldn't give away seats to see a Never-Hava-Liers game!

----Funny how half of your "hard core" city is comprised of Steeler fans (talk about front running!).

----Yeah, you were so hard core that you sucked Brady Quinn's cock for three years! He was the next Joe Montana!

----And you were really hard core when you cheered Derek Anderson's blown-out knee. Yeah, THAT WAS AWESOME!

----You were so tough that when DA called you ruthless and said you didn't deserve a winner after he left, you all pissed down your legs and whined and cried. You shit on this guy for three years and then whine like little bitches when he fires back one time. Fucking crybabies!

----You were such a great fan base when Tim Couch was out on his ass with a nasty concussion one game and you cheered that! Class! Cool, our number one overall QB is injured! Yeah!

----Hey, that game against Jacksonville was awesome several years ago. You know, when you all started throwing beer bottles on the field after a call went against you! CLASSY!

----Funny how you hate the Steelers, but you sure as fuck don't mind selling your tickets to Steeler fans so they can take over your stadium every year!

----Speaking of, amazing how such loyal fans left during the Browns final game this season. Yeah, you hypocrites walked out on your team when it was being blown out by your most hated rival. Way to jump off a sinking ship, you losers. You turned your backs on your supposedly-beloved Browns when they needed you to stay, suck it up, and cheer for them the most. Some fans you are. Steeler fans would never let that happen in their own stadium, yet you did.

----Such a loyal fan base! You chase off coaches every three years and can't figure out why your team can't win.

----Eric Mangini took a bunch of castoffs, mediocre players, a rookie QB, and still posted big wins over the then-defending Super Bowl champion Saints and the NE Patriots. And almost posted a huge upset over the Jets. Yet you were glad to see the guy go instead of wanting to give him five years to build you a winner!

----In 2007, Derek Anderson guided the Browns to ten wins. Yet, you hated him. You hated a guy who threw for over 3,500 yards because he wasn't Brady Fucking Quinn. And you still hate DA. What miserable fans you truly are.

Hey, funny how you worshipped that joke of a GM, Phil Savage, yet ripped and ridiculed a good coach, Romeo Crennel. RAC was successful before Cleveland. RAC is now successful with the Kansas City Chiefs. Funny, the only place he wasn't successful was in Cleveland, where a hack GM who couldn't draft a fucking fantasy team was regarded as a genius. Where that loser GM constantly went after players RAC didn't want. Where that loser GM threw RAC under the bus during their final season there.

You sided with the hack GM. What a shock. Savage is now working for Philadelphia in a consulting capacity (he makes the coffee now). His drafts were a fucking joke.

This is the guy you thought was a genius.

So shut the fuck up, you hypocritical haters.

But here's the ultimate question for you guys to chew on. When Art Modell relocated the team to Baltimore, why didn't you just stay fans? Sure it would've been the "Baltimore Browns", but you would've had a winner. But no, you had to have your new team and spend the next 12 or so years chasing coaches and quarterbacks out of town. You could've made the six-hour drive down to Baltimore.

Those "front-runner" Los Angeles Rams fans stayed Rams fans after their team left. Those "front runner" LA fans who rooted for the Raiders actually still drive up to see Raiders games. And last I saw, driving from Los Angeles to Oakland is a lot farther than Cleveland to Baltimore.

But no. You had to throw the world's biggest tempy tantrum and get a team back immediately. Funny how you could get a new stadium built for the new team, and yet couldn't get one built for your previous one--the one you supposedly loved so much.

Remember the admonishment former Bengals coach Sam Wyche gave rowdy Bengals fans once: "We're not Cleveland."

And everyone in Cincinnati should be very, very grateful.

Cleveland, you can go back to burning LeBron jerseys and hating every other city. Really, it's the only thing you do well.

Well, that and whining for the Browns to only draft players from Ohio State University.

So Cleveland Sports Fan, who is really the lousiest fan base out there? Try looking in the mirror, you haters.

BL Doesn't Get It.....

This isn't a championship celebration, just jubilation that a goal was scored.

There are certain things in sports I don't get. Soccer is at the forefront.


Soccer elitists like to say to people like me, "You just don't get it." No shit?


Yeah, I don't get the excitement about a game that lasts over eighty or whatever minutes ending in a tie and that's all just fucking dandy.


I don't get how an American player can get butt-raped by two Slovenians and have a foul called on him, a foul that was never explained and disallowed a winning goal for the Americans. Yeah, I don't get it.


I don't get those socks. They go all the way up to the mid-thigh. That's not a good look for a guy. Why not just put on some stockings and be done with it?


I don't get how a sport can be so fucking boring that the crowd ejaculates over missed shots.


I don't get how a ball that merely hits a player in the arms can result in a "hands" call. Even if the player isn't reaching for the ball and kick hits him there, it's a foul. Huh?


I don't get why soccer pimps keep saying that one day, soccer will be big in this country. We've heard this shit for decades. Pele couldn't do it. Beckham couldn't. Nobody can. Americans don't like soccer as a rule. We like football. You know, the kind where you score more than 2 times a game.


Not only do I not get it, I'm glad I don't.



I don't get why the Glazers put Rasheed Morris and Mark Dominik in charge of the Buccaneers. Well, actually I kind of do. Jon Gruden and Bruce Allen didn't want to run the team on a payroll more befitting an Arena Football League team.


Dominik, the team's GM, made news this week. First, he addressed left tackle Donald Penn's contract status. Penn is a restricted free agent (a contridiction in terms if there ever was one) and hasn't signed the team's tender yet. He wants a long-term deal. Long-term deals mean lots of money, something the Glazers aren't really excited to part with, especially if they can keep him on the cheap for one more year.


What sucks for Penn is that he would've been an unrestricted free agent had the NFL not entered into the final year of the collective bargaining agreement without a new one in place. Once that happened, it extended the years of service required to become a free agent from five to six.


Anyway, this past week, Dominik decided that the way to handle the Penn situation was to be a complete idiot. Addressing a group of season ticket holders, he said that Penn had gained forty pounds over the course of the 2009 season due to his bad eating habits. Thus, he pretty much ate his way out of a long-term deal this off-season.


Let me get this straight. Dominik was asking us to believe that a professional football player who was a starter was able to not only keep from losing weight during the rigors of training camp, four preseason games, and sixteen regular season games but to actually gain it. Forty fucking pounds of it. He basically made Penn out to look like a big fucking pig who couldn't control his appetite.


Yeah. Okay. That's certainly believeable. Right. So is the fucking Tooth Fairy.


Then a Bucs fan site, JoeBucs.com, printed his remarks. Well, of course, that made Dominik look incredibly stupid and petty. So Dominik, clearly in control of his senses, asked the site to take them down. JoeBucs did and then Dominik decided that a bad situation could be made worse.


He proclaimed that his remarks had been "off the record." Uh....one, so what? Two, how do expect anything to be "off the record" when you're talking to a group of season ticket holders?


Well, at least we'll have another top five draft pick next April.....




I don't get what the Detroit Lions are thinking. I really don't.


The Lions, who were mismanaged for several years by Matt Millen, are now mismanaged by guys who used to work under Millen. Awesome decision there, Ford family. Treat the pink eye with Visine.


In the 2009 draft, the Lions took Matt Stafford, a quarterback from the University of Georgia. They paid him lots of money. And this kid could end up becoming, if not an elite QB, certainly a top tier QB for them.


Instead of having the kid sit on the bench and learn for a year while Daunte Culpepper--no slouch, himself--started, they declare that Stafford had won the job. I'm sure he had and that naming him the starter had nothing to do with putting asses in the seats. Nahhhhhhhhhhh.....


Stafford, though, played decently. You can't expect much from a rookie. But the real concern is the pounding he took behind a shitty offensive line. He got injured, he was beaten down, and even when a QB isn't sacked, he can still get nailed after a pass.


So the Lions took a defensive lineman, Ndamukong Suh this past draft. Brilliant. This is like repaving your driveway when your roof is leaking.


Yeah, Suh was a beast in college. IN COLLEGE. Suh was a force, a monster, and pure mayhem for opposing offensive lines. But BL's gonna let you folks in on a little secret.


Defensive linemen drafted in the first round have as big a bust rate as QBs drafted in the first round do. And it's because once these guys get to the pros, they're facing offensive linemen who are bigger, stronger and faster than anything they ever faced in college.


And instead of taking the top-rated offensive lineman, Russel Okung, and filling a giagantic need for the next ten years or more, they took Suh. They took the exciting pick. The next Julius Peppers. The next sack monster. No need to take a boring left tackle.

Ask Browns fans (use Hooked On Phonics, if need be) how happy they are that the Browns made that boring Pro Bowl left tackle, Joe Thomas, their pick at number #3 a few years ago.


Ask the Rams how drafting defensive linemen so often has worked out for them. Nice job, Millen's proteges. Nice job. Way to not protect your 60 million dollar QB, morons. Yeah, you'll be happy with Suh, but would've been much happier with Okung. But hey, Jeff "Swinging Gate" Backus will man the left tackle position well, huh?

Way to start turning this kid into the next David Carr. He's probably already hearing the footsteps of opposing defenders in his sleep. Suh ain't gonna change that.



Speaking of defensive linemen, the Bucs drafted Gerald McCoy out of Oklahoma. I dunno. You can find good defensive tackles later on in the draft, but there wasn't really anybody else that was worthy of the number three overall pick. Joe Haden, who went to the Browns, wasn't really an option.

McCoy will help with the Bucs' pourous run defense, so I guess I kind of give an ambivilent thumbs-up to the pick. I like the kid and all, but have those reservations about picking a defensive lineman so high. But he certainly fills a need. And I sure as fuck didn't want Dez Bryant, no matter how badly the Bucs needed a receiver.


I don't get how the Raiders are making a 360 turn and making fantastic moves. Their pick, at number 7, of linebacker Rolando McClain was excellent. I wouldn't have minded McClain coming to the Bucs. They upgraded their QB position by trading for Jason Campbell from the Redskins, and cut JaMarcus Russel. They also picked up a decent LB in Kamerion Wimbley for a 3rd round selection (they overpaid a bit for Wimbley, but Al Davis has always liked him).

The Raiders could surprise in 2010. I think they need another year or two of smart moves to really contend, but they took some major steps in that direction this offseason. Nicely done, Raider Nation.



I don't get one thing about the Lakers NBA Finals victory over the Boston Celtics. People keep mentioning that the Lakers are now only one championship behind the Celtics for the all-time lead, with sixteen titles.


Nobody's mentioning one little fact: That FIVE of those titles have come since 2000. That's right, at the beginning of this decade (or the end of the last one, whatever), it was sixteen to eleven, in favor of the Celts.


Then LA won three straight to cut it to sixteen to fourteen. Then, two years ago, the Celts beat LA and extended it to seventeen to fourteen. Then last year and this year, the Lakers won, cutting the margin to just one.


There's nothing really significant in all of this. Sports, like everything else, is cyclical. But it's interesting that LA has cut into Boston's title lead by a net margin of four over the past decade.


And Kobe Bryant still has more than a few years left in his prime. That should scare fans of every other team in the NBA.





I don't get how you trade a future Hall of Fame QB and expect to get better. Then again, maybe the Eagles aren't expecting to get better. At least, not this season.

A few months ago, Philly traded star QB to the Redskins for a conditional third round pick. Fucking a, is that all it costs to get a QB of that calibre who is only 32 fucking years old? Huh?

I did an entry before the trade, pimping new Philly starting QB Kevin Kolb to Browns fans. I'm a big fan of Kolb, make no mistake. He's going to be really, really good. But he's not D-Mac.

Obviously, since they would be facing this exact choice in a year or two, the Eagles made it this year. And they chose Kolb, and signed him to a nice extension.

Time will tell if it was worth it. Now the Eagles must contend with D-Mac for several seasons now and have to hope that Kolb can become the QB his predecessor was. Eagle fans, who never truly accpeted or appreciated what McNabb did for their team, will have to deal with life without him. Maybe Eagle fans should've been careful about what they wished for (right, Bucs fans?).

Kolb's development and whether McNabb can lift the Redskins to prominence in the NFC East and beyond, are two of the more interesting stories that will be worth watching this season and next (providing there is a 2011 season).

Booyah! BL Loving All This!

Brady shows his career completion percentage.

Yeah, I know......

Why don't I say more about the Bucs? Well, I will later. I told my friend--and fellow Bucs fan, Gene-that if the salary cap were still in place, the Bucs would be underneath the salary floor, the amount their required to spend on player payroll. Not too exciting. Yay. The Glazers are saving money. Awesome.

I know I'M relieved.

Yeah, I'm afraid we're looking at a scintillating 5-win season in 2010. Nice these idiots could tear down a successful franchise and replace it with this sorry excuse of a roster.

Here's the deal. It may cost more to put a winning team on the field, but you gotta spend money to make money. Winning teams get more money from jersey sales, higher fees for broadcast rights, more money at the games. Happy fans tend to spend more. It's a fucking fact.

Well, except in Cleveland, cuz they're so fucking hardcore and loyal (except when Pittsburgh comes to town and all of those self-proclaimed hardcore fans sell their tickets to Steeler fans, but hey, that's another issue).

More later on my raging adoration of Bucs fans. Uh huh. I'm pissed at them as well.

And I know, "Shut up about the Browns, Buccaneer Lori!" Hey, I get that. But like the team or not, that franchise is the one that's making news the last couple of weeks.

I know when some good shit is hitting the fan. And being the sports whore that I am, I cruise through a lot of NFL fan sites. Of course, I yap off a lot at a couple of Bucs sites. And I definitely hit one really good Browns fan site. And today, I saw perhaps the greatest quote by an awesome Browns fan who really hit his fellow fans where it hurts.

And I'll get to that wonderful post in a second. But first I need to set it up.

First off, Brady "The Best Argument For NOT Drafting Jimmy Clausen Aside From Actually Watching Clausen Play" Quinn was traded to the Denver Broncos today for a running back named Peyton Hillis a sixth round pick in the 2011 draft and a conditional pick in the 2012 draft.

Yeah, pretty big price he brought for the Browns! From what I heard, it was hard to even find a trading partner for him. I have a feeling they were going to have to call a Canadian Football League team if Denver didn't step up.

Then, just after news of that trade broke, the Browns sent linebacker Kamerion Wimbley, the Browns 2006 first round draft, to the Oakland Raiders for a third round pick in this April's draft.

Of course, now the Quinn lovers in C-Town are crying like the little bitches they are. They're ripping Mike Holmgren for the trade and predicting that Quinn will be the next starting QB in Denver. Of course, these morons are wrong. Quinn won't beat out Kyle Orton. But a Quinn cultist is a Quinn cultist. And they're already booking their tickets to Denver to explain how awesome Brady is to fans who aren't quite as enlightened as they are in all things Brady.

Bronco fans, here's a warning: When you see one of these twits come and say, "I'm a new Broncos fan!", he/she/it isn't. They're Quinn cultists and will shit, piss, drool and vomit all over your Broncos fan sites and sports talk shows, professing the greatness of a guy who throws as many passes into opposing defensive players' face masks as to his own receivers.

Tell these trolls to eat shit and bark at the fucking moon. Don't be nice. Trust me, they won't be nice to anyone who disagrees with them. They will rip Orton like he's a child molester. That's what they did to DA, and they'll do it to Orton.

They don't give a fucking care about your team, only about Quinn. They'd rather lose with Quinn than win with a real QB. And these fuckers are absolutely relentless. They're an infection. They are nothing but Quinn trolls. Tell them to fuck off the minute you see them.

They usually create names like "QuinnsFuckingAwesome", "QuinnsBestestFan", "MeNBradyBFF", "AllaboutBrady", "QuinnFutureHallofFamer", "Evry1butBQsucks", "QuinnsDickMyAss", "WishBQwasmyson," and "IWantToSuckBradysYummyCock." Trust me, they're not hard to spot.

Uh, back to C-Town. Now the beloved Golder Domer is gone and the Browns have Jake Delhomme and Seneca Wallace as their top two quarterbacks. Not overly impressive, but hey, both were better options than Quinn (and sadly, my beloved Derek Anderson as well).

My football czar boyfriend, the wonderful Mike Holmgren, has worked with the following QBs: Steve Young, Brett Favre, and Matt Hasslebeck, just to name a few. Dude kind of knows when a QB has it and when he doesn't. Clearly Quinn doesn't have it.

Anyway, the city-wide freakout/tempy tantwum had just gotten underway when the Wimbley trade was announced.

Wimbley is a good kid and good teammate. And has not been a good player since his rookie year in 2006 when he recorded 11 sacks. Kam played defensive end for--drumroll, please--Florida State.

The Browns play a 3-4 defense, which required Kam to learn a new position as an outside linebacker. Sometimes position changes like that work out. But I've always felt that if you want a fucking linebacker, draft someone who actually fucking played linebacker in college. Shit, leave 4-3 ends like Kam to teams that, uh, PLAY the 4-3 defense.

Oh, guess who passed on badass D-tackle Hiloti Ngata of the Ravens to select Wimbley? Uh huh. Phil Savage. Ngata's now one of the best defensive tackles in the NFL while Wimbley was traded for a third round draft pick.

Way to go, Phil. Phil's the Trent Dilfer/Starving Alpo Dog of fired GMs.

But I digress.

So almost everyone's ripping Homgren, the best thing to happen to Cleveland football since Bernie Kosar (you know, the former QB who Browns fans want as GM even though he has zero experience in that area), when I see the following quote.

It is fucking brilliant (emphasis is mine and the soft OLB he refers to is Wimbley):

"You naysayers make me want to puke. First off, none of you know shit. If you did, you'd be running a fucking NFL Team. Are any of you currently or have you ever worked in the NFL? Show of hands? I didn't think so. It doesn't matter if we would have traded Quinn for Peyton #$(%*#@ Manning, you'd bitch because Peyton is on the downside of his career.

You guys and your know-it-all Bullshit need to realize that there are 3, count 'em 3 people all making the calls in Cleveland now. It was a Cleveland Browns decision. If they deemed them expendable, then guess what? They were fucking expendable. Let's examine what we've lost. A qb with the brains and all the intangibles except for a real bonafide NFL arm. Didn't Holmgren say something about when you are evaluating an NFL qb, the first question is: "Can he throw it from me to you?" Guess what? Quinn didn't have the arm to succeed. He never will. Get over it.

Delhomme at least can make all the throws and he might surprise you. I believe that the powers that be are more intelligent when evaluating QB's than anyone on a fucking forum. Again, if you are so smart, go and apply as a scout for any team. Just do it, then you can tell me about how smart you are.

What else did we lose, let's see, we covered a worthless qb, okay, we lost a soft OLB. Again, get over it. Show me on film that he was worth keeping because I can tell you without any speculation whatsoever that when I watch the defense, I watched him and he was weak and a liability against the run. He couldn't get off a block. Once he was engaged by the lineman, he was done. That's why he's gone. Somebody already said it. He was a one-trick pony. All he had was that little dip the shoulder move and that's it.

As far as you Peyton Hillis haters, shut the fuck up. At his size, he runs a 4.5 forty, he's got good hands and it saves us from having to hope that Harrison can make it through the year. It also saves us from hoping that a good RB falls to us in the draft. Whenever he's been given an opportunity for extended playing time, he's surpassed expectations so again, would it have mattered if we would've gotten Knowshon Moreno from the Broncos? No because you naysayers just want to bitch so that you can tell yourselves how smart you sounded if you happen to be right.

Enough with the nonsense. DA was right, you guys don't deserve a winner because you're all a bunch of know-it-all ball busters that can never be happy. Some of you need to re-examine your lives because you will NEVER be happy. EVER. So, take a good long look at yourselves and find a new passion or something because you are the "FANS" that DA was talking about. He wasn't talking about guys like me that look for the good in everything. He was talking about you.

That line about Kam is so true. Whenever I'd watch the Browns, Kam almost ran straight into the blocker's arms and was done. Boyfriend pointed it out to me the first time we watched the Browns together. It was like some invisible force would guide him into the blocker and he'd stick like glue.

This poster is right about DA. Those bitches were exactly the ones he was referring to in that email.

And not one big, brave whiny bitch talked back to him.

Maybe he'd write something up and post it on a Bucs site to all those idiots who were crying to get Gruden fired after the 2008 season.

I mean, that worked out great, didn't it? It's awesome sucking donkey snot when instead we could be contending for a playoff berth every season. Now we get elminated by, oh, week six and get to overpay a top three selection in the draft. Awesome. Now I can finally devote my Sundays to something more exciting than watching the Bucs win: the Pro Bowlers Tour.

Yeah, Pete Weber, baby!

Way to go, Bucs Nation. You ran the only two guys who actually knew what they were doing in Jon Gruden and Bruce Allen out of town. Now you have a cheap, moron owner (and his moron, silver spoon-sucking sons), a weak GM and Rasheed Morris, a guy CLEARLY over his head, "coaching" the team.

Nicely done. Maybe the Glazers would've fired Gruden and Allen no matter what. In fact, they probably would have. But I wonder if they would've had the nerve to if thought that Bucs fans would revolt. I have no doubt they peeked at the message boards and listened to radio callers and gauged the pulse of the fans. And when they heard these so-called "fans" bitching about getting that horrible Gruden out of town (you know, the guy who brought a Super Bowl championship to Tampa), I bet that's all they needed to hear.

"Salary dump, ahoy, Captain Malcolm!"

And enough of "Duhhhhhh, Gruden only won with Tony Dungy's players! Duhhhhh!" Uh, wrong.

First off, I love Dungy. But Dungy didn't win with "Dungy's players", Gruden did. Secondly, Dungy didn't bring those players to Tampa, former GM Rich McKay did before leaving for Atlanta, so they weren't "Dungy's players". They were McKay's, you fucking dumbasses.

Learn what a fucking GM actually does (hint: don't ask Phil Savage) before running your fucking mouths. That argument is absolutely moronic. Did we win the Super Bowl before Gruden? No, so shut your fucking mouths about "winning with Dungy's players".

Did Dungy win the Super Bowl with Jim Mora's players, then? After all, Peyton Manning was drafted when Jim Mora (the dad, not that moron son of his) was Indy's coach.

Wow, Bucs fans. You're kind of like the Browns fans I rip so much. Real great company you're in. You should really be really proud. You were smart enough to want a real coach fired and replaced with fucking Raheem Morris. What an upgrade! Thanks for that.

As a Bucs fan since before I was old enough to know how badass Leroy Selmon was, I truly appreciate this franchise being set back years.

You fucking morons.

Hey, Browns Fans!

Wherever Derek goes, it'll be better than where he's been.

How does Derek Anderson ripping your asses feel? Sucks, huh?

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

For those of you that don't follow Cleveland's team--and I can't imagine who actually would--my QB boyfriend, Derek Anderson, was mercifully released by the Browns this past week. He was due a 2 million dollar bonus, and no way were Tom Heckert and Mike Holmgren going to pay that to a QB who wasn't in their future plans.


When contacted by a Cleveland reporter via email after his release, Derek struck a blow straight to what passes for a heart in Browns nation (bearing in mind that nothing could pass for a brain):

"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner. I'll never forget getting cheered when I was injured. I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and we roll them."

You're not the only one, DA.


DA issued an apology the next day, accepting responsibility for the statement and not hiding behind the "I was misquoted" excuse. He said he met a lot of good friends in Cleveland and was speaking from frustration the previous day.


Well, you know where Buccaneer Lori stands on this. Fuck you, Browns Nation. You bastards. All you could think of the second Phil "I Suck" Savage wasted those picks to trade up for Quinn was how Brady's dick would feel in your hands.


You wanted DA benched in the middle of a playoff run for a rookie who missed virtually all of preseason holding out. You cheered when this guy was injured (just like you cheered when Tim Couch was injured several years ago).


What a joke of a fan base.


What's really funny is some of you are claiming now that you were cheering because Quinn was coming in, not because Anderson was hurt. Except, of course, Quinn wasn't coming in. He was on injured reserve with a broken finger. His season was done. He wasn't even in his fucking uniform for that game.

And I doubt you were cheering for Ken Dorsey. No, DA had a blown-out knee and you were thrilled! Even if it meant Ken Dorsey coming in, you were happy a--that--Browns player was injured.


Bastards.


You called this guy every name in the book all because he wasn't Brady Quinn. You mocked his Pro Bowl selection after the 2007 season. Everything was his fault.


Had Brady put up the numbers DA put up during the 2007 season, you would've been building statues in his image. You would've lauded him as the next star. You would've preached patience, patience, patience, patience, when he made mistakes.


Browns fans, you're the ones who always talk about what loyal and hardcore fans you are. Yeah, RIGHT!

Remember LeCharles Bentley? I do.

LeCharles was signed as a free agent by Phil "I Didn't Suck On This Signing" Savage in 2006. The LeCharles addition to the Browns was huge. He was an Ohio State guy from the Cleveland area.

And we all know what homerfucks Browns fans are for "local boys".

But for once, they were actually right. LeCharles was the real deal. He made the Pro Bowl twice, once as a center and once as a guard. Dude was wicked good. The Browns had a Pro Bowl center.

For one fucking day.

LeCharles tore a tendon in his knee in the first day of training camp. He ended up spending two years and four operations to take care of the knee and complications--including two staph infections--arising from the original injury. At one point, he almost didn't survive. At another, doctors considered amputating his leg.

Yeah. It was that serious.

Anyway, LeCharles came back in 2008 and started training camp again. Eventually, he realized that the Browns had moved on and there wasn't a starting spot open for him. So he asked for his release. Savage, who was fucking lucky LeCharles didn't sue the Browns over the staph infections, granted Bentley's request.

You couldn't blame the Browns. By this point, this kid's knee and leg would never be the same. LeCharles, I'm sure, would gladly hand back the millions the Browns paid him if he could play again.

He never did. Some teams showed interest, but LeCharles just wasn't the LeCharles of the New Orleans Saints anymore. A leg can only take so much trauma and so many operations.

Now back to his release. Some Browns fans ripped this guy. RIPPED him! Yeah, that money he got was worth the rest of his career. He fucking had to retire at 28 years old! He was having a Hall of Fame career! Guess what? He could've made money anywhere!

But some Cleveland "fans" held a grudge because all this guy did was ask for his release after two years of absolute misery. An injury like his usually takes a year to recover from. But Cleveland--who had had a real problem with staph infections--did him in. Those staph infections basically ended his career.

So I don't give a shit if he walked away with 14 or whatever million bucks. He'd gladly give it back if he could play again.

Let's not forget Braylon Edwards shooting C-Town the finger as well after his trade to the Jets this past season. Yeah, Edwards is a me-first guy. Yeah, Edwards never wanted to be in Cleveland in the first place--in his mind, he should've been drafted by a team in a glamour market like Dallas, NY, or Miami. Yeah, I agree with all that. But usually even douche bags like Edwards usually leave and don't say anything. He did.

And Browns fans--tough as they are--whined like babies.

I find it amusing when sports fans go beserk when an athlete actually fires some of their own shit back at them. Fans are tough when they're ripping a guy on the net or from the stands. Fans are tough when they're shooting someone the finger from a safe distance. Fans are REAL tough, then.

But when an athlete like DA or BE answers back, they cry like babies. Ain't that something? Couch, who was concussed and just not in his right mind after that fateful game, cried. It's still talked about to this day. How unfair. This guy's brain was sloshed around, his emotions were fucked up, and people made fun of him crying. And most, I'd say, have never suffered a concussion.

Well, Browns fans, now you have Holmgren trying to trade your pin-up boy, BQ, for anything he can get. And he has signed Seneca Wallace, a career backup, and Jake Delhomme, who has not only hit the wall career-wise, but crashed right through it. That's how much Big Mike thinks of Quinn.

You had ten wins in 2007. But ten wins wasn't enough for you because Quinn wasn't the guy under center. Amazing.

Oh well. At least now you can turn your efforts to trying and run Mike Holgren out of town. After all, I'm sure you all know much more about football than a guy like THAT.

Meanwhile, DA has some teams inquring about his services. Maybe he's only a backup QB when all is said and done, but he did have an incredible season in 2007. And that's more than Quinn will have ever have. Or Seneca Wallace, for that matter.

I've been to C-Town a few times. It's nice. It gets a bad rap. It has the problems any major city does, but I loved it and the suburbs southwest of it. People were nice, it was easy to get around and I never felt unsafe.

Then again, I wasn't Derek Anderson.

I'm tired of hearing about how tough Browns fans have had it. I've rooted for the Bucs all my life. I sat on my brothers' laps when I was a tiny little Buccaneer Lori and watched my team. And they absolutely sucked for the longest time. Much longer than since 1998, when the Browns were reformed.

We never cheered a player getting injured. We never treated our guys like C-Town treated some of their guys. I don't CARE if you're frustrated. No one was as frustrated as Bucs fans. So suck it up. Try showing some patience for a change.

Don't give me that "we've been patient" bullshit. Had Cleveland not been IMPATIENT, you'd have Chris Palmer still coaching your team. But no, you had to fire him two seasons after taking over an expansion team. You're never patient. Ever. And that's why the team's been in constant upheaval for over a decade.

You'll never learn. If you haven't won the Super Bowl in three years--and you won't, trust me--you'll run another front office right out of town. It's how you roll. You not only tolerate the muck, you roll around in it like hogs. You bathe in self-indulgence and self pity. You talk about the future but only look at the past.

No, you won't let Big Mike, Tom, and Eric Mangini build this team. And you'll let your owner, Randy Lerner, know that. You always do.

But maybe, just maybe, someday you'll learn the difference between obsession and passion. There's a big difference. And if and when you ever do, then you'll understand what I've--and many others--have been saying. And that's when your team will turn things around. Not until then will it happen, no matter who Lerner brings in to clear up the mess you've done more than your share to create.

Wherever you go, DA, I'll be pulling for you. Congrats. You deserve a lot better than Cleveland could--or would--ever offer you.

Browns Fans, Your Next Star QB.

Meet Kevin Kolb.

Kevin Kolb. The "L" is silent.

So who is Kevin Kolb? He's the Philadelphia Eagles' backup QB.

Let me take you Browns fans back a few years. You were looking for a new QB. Frye wasn't succeeding (although he found a bit of success in Oakland this past season and it couldn't happen to a better guy). The team was a mess from suffering under Butch Davis' incompetency.

Gerard Warren over LaDanien Thomlinson, Butch? REALLY? REALLY?

Ironically, now Eric Mangini, Tom Heckert, and Mike Holmgren must clean up the mess that came about from the incompetency of Phil Savage, Davis' successor. And I'm loving what I'm seeing from this franchise now. I might be the only one outside (or inside, for that matter) Cleveland who sees it, but I do. I see something good happening there, and it's getting better.

Good? No, special. Really special. This supposedly crappy team really isn't all that crappy.

And if my three Cleveland boyfriends listen to Buccaneer Lori, it'll become great faster than anyone could have dreamed of.

Anyway, I digress.

Back then, the team was committed--wrongly--to Frye. He was set up to fail. He was on a bad team and was backing up the incredibly mediocre Trent Dilfer. I won't go into Dilfer anymore than I have in previous entries, except to say that Trent's all about Trent (I guess somebody has to be).

The gutsy and likable Frye never had a shot to learn behind him, because Starving Alpo Dog would never allow it. Combine Starving Alpo Dog and a depleted roster, and do the math. Frye was toast once he saw action. It was brutal.

So Frye really needed to go to a team where he could sit and learn. He was traded to Seattle after the first game of 2007. Derek Anderson came in and led the Browns to ten wins and made the Pro Bowl. Of course, Cleveland had just drafted Brady Quinn and thus spent the entire 2007 season screaming for DA to be benched, even in the middle of a playoff run.

Smart move, Cleveland. Guy's leading you to ten wins and you want the guy on the bench. Brilliant. Glad you enjoyed those ten wins so much. I mean you want to bench a guy throwing for over 3,500 yards for a rookie who missed almost all of training camp.

Uh huh. Makes sense.

But again, I digress.

After the end of the 2007 season, an important--but barely noticed--trade took place between the Atlanta Falcons and Houston Texans. The Texans took two second round draft picks and sent them to Atlanta for their backup QB, Matt Shaub.

I loved Shaub coming out of Virginia in 2004. Atlanta drafted him in the third round that year. And every time he had to come in for Michael Vick, he lit the place up. But he was sitting on Atanta's bench most of the time. True, he didn't have a ton of appearances, but he passed the eye test. Great arm, smart QB. And he was going to become a restricted free agent the following year.

Atlanta decided to get what they could for him. They had their QB for the foreseeable future in Vick (who I never thought was anything but decent as a QB, but hey, he sold tickets). Of course, nobody saw the whole Vick dog fighting episode coming, otherwise, they never would've traded Shaub.

Okay. So Shaub goes to Houston, has some injuries and all that. But he does very well. And this year, he was healthy for the whole season. In his three years with Houston, he's thrown for over 11,o00 yards, with 59 touchdowns and 40 interceptions. The team's getting better. He's making it better and it's making him better. Shaub was the missing ingredient. Houston is on its way to bigger things now.

Call it the perfect example of NFL symbiosis.

But this isn't Buccaneer Lori advocating that the Browns get Shaub. He's locked up for the next three years, and no doubt will be extended before his current deal is even close to being up. No, that boat sailed under Phil Savage's arrogant, incompetent nose long ago.

Besides, you guys had Brady Quinn, didn't you? All you needed to do was get rid of DA and your lives would be perfect. That's why this was all about your love affair with Quinn. You were so concerned, supposedly, that DA wasn't a quality starter. Yet, you wanted no other option than Quinn.

No need for a stud like Shaub. Of course, that's natural. You don't go after a guy like Shaub after you draft who you think will be your QB of the future. But why didn't Savage go after Shaub even before that? Savage should've been on the phone to Atlanta trying to get Shaub. Oh well, like that old Tootsie Pop commercial says, the world may never know.

So why am I even talking about Shaub?

Because, Dawg Pound citizens, the universe has thrown you a bone. You get what so few fan bases get: a do-over. And while you may think I despise you, I don't. I've banged on you hard in the past, but only because you've acted like asses at times. I respect a lot of what Cleveland fans bring to sports and the passion, loyalty, and love they have for their teams.

And you've been screwed by ten years of horrible front offices and never even got flowers or dinner out of it. So yeah, I'm happy you can have a do-over. Aside from the nonsensical DA hatred, you're loyal as they come.

So that do-over. That wonderful do-over. What about it? First off, what is it?

It's not literally a do-over, of course. But it's as close as you can get to one. And you can make things right.

See that guy's picture up above? Yeah, Kevin Kolb. Three years ago, Philadelphia did what Atlanta did in 2004: drafted a promising QB to develop, even though they had a starter. Like New England did with Matt Cassel (turning a 7th round flier into a future 2nd round pick who also saved the 2008 season for NE when Tom Brady went down).

Smart franchises do stuff like that. Dumb fans say, "Durrrrr.....why dey dwaft a QB, we gots one!". Smart fans just smile, because they know exactly what their team is doing. Smart franchises never stop thinking. And much like GM Rich McKay plucked Shaub up for a third rounder of all things, Philly picked up Kolb with a second rounder.

Anyway, like the aforementioned Pats, Philly is a smart franchise run by smart people. The Eagles took Kolb after a stellar career at the University of Houston. Much like Shaub, he sat a long time behind the incumbent, Donovan McNabb. And again, like Shaub, when Kolb was called upon, he was ready.

Last September, Kolb became the first player in NFL history to throw for over 300 yards in each of his first two NFL starts. In fact, he threw for over 700 yards in those two games combined.

Let me repeat that: his first two starts.

Then Donovan healed up and back to the bench went Kolb. Of course. McNabb's a future Hall of Famer. But remember that eye test I mentioned? Kolb passed it with flying colors.

So you know where I'm going Browns fans? The majority of you that have come to your senses about Quinn realize that not only is DA done in C-Town--thanks to you running him out of it--but that Quinn really isn't that good. And in the end, I guess DA isn't either. And I hate admitting that because I'm a DA homer. But if I want you to admit Quinn isn't the guy, I have to admit DA isn't either.

So I'll say it: Get Kevin Kolb!

I can hear you now. Why would the Eagles get rid of Kolb? He's a future star. He's PHILLY'S QB of the future, not ours! It would cost us a fortune! Besides, Brady deserves another shot. You're nuts!

Okay, let's answer these questions. One, I know I'm nuts, but thanks for caring. Caring is sharing. Unless it's Mike Vick's herpes. Then it's civil litigation.

Two, Brady Quinn has had three years to show something--anything--that would earn him another shot. He hasn't. He's inaccurate, holds onto the ball too long, can't read defenses, throws wounded duck deep passes and can only make five-yard dump offs. He's had two statistically good games. One was against the rebuilding Lions this year, and the other against the Denver Broncos in 2008, when their defense was very weak.

He's melted down against decent and high quality teams. Baltimore body slammed him. Quinn doesn't "deserve" anything, let along another season to ruin. He's shown nothing and has thus earned nothing. He's as inconsistent as you scream DA is.

Next, Kolb is NOT Philly's QB of the future. They have their QB for the next several years in McNabb. He's in his early thirties and showing no signs of slowing down. He's an elite--or close to elite--starting NFL QB. Every year there are rumors that he's done in Philly. Every single year.

And every year, he's back.

There are several things we're sure of each year. We pay too much in taxes, Santa will come in December, I'll have lots of sex, and rumors will crop up about McNabb being traded to this team or that team.

Yawn. And I'm a virgin. Ask anybody that I've slept with.

McNabb's going nowhere. Philly would have to have it's head up its ass to get rid of a star like him. And that simply isn't the case. No, he'll be there a long time. And Eagles fans should thank their lucky stars they have him. He'll get another extension and be in Philly until he hangs up his classy cleats.

Why won't they get rid of D-Mac? The same reason the Lakers didn't trade Kobe Bryant. There's no trade that would have them coming out even, let alone ahead. Philly didn't become a great franchise by doing things that will make it worse. And as good as Kolb is, he isn't Donovan.

Donovan will enter Canton five years after he retires. You don't give that type of guy up for any draft picks. Especially when he's only 33 years old and is still performing at his level. And if you think 33 really IS old, then you should tell Minnesota not to care if 40 year-old Brett Farve retires or not. Hey, Shane Rosenfelds and Tavaris Jackson are much younger!

And while you're at it, tell Cardinals fans that Kurt Warner, another future Hall of Famer, retiring at 38 isn't any big thang. I mean, 38......good thing he made the team better by leaving, huh?

Yeah, those old men aren't worth it. They're old, right? Can't hack it anymore.

Now that I've made my point about age, of course the Eagles aren't chomping to get rid of Kolb. He's a great backup. But it wouldn't cost you a fortune to get him, either. Philly won't just give away Kolb for a bag of peanuts. They'd have to do something that made them better. That's how they roll. But it can be done. And it won't cost you that much.

And it'll make both teams just that much better.

Philly, year after year, has the potential to go all the way. They don't need a ton of draft picks. Each year, they're roster is stacked with depth and talent. Remember, their front office is smart. They just need to add a stud or two.

Oh, I got a stud for them. And if they want him, you can give them the least expensive route to getting him. Win-win, Dawg Pound and Iggles Nation.

Listen to the crazy lady with the pirate hat on.

C-Town, you really want to spend a 7 overall on Joe Haden or Rolando McClain (and no, Eric Berry won't be there for you at #7)? If you do, you're as dumb as I tease you about being. Don't get me wrong: those guys project to be pretty good players. But a cornerback or linebacker won't lift your team like a talented QB will. You can design scheme to hide holes in your defense.

There's no scheme that'll hide a mediocre QB.

So call up Philly. Dangle that #7 out there. And offer to switch first round picks for Kolb. That would give Philly your #7 pick and you'd get their 24th pick. Philly could then draft that incredible WR prospect, Dez Bryant, and pair him up with DeSean Jackson.

Are you kidding me? Get your Super Bowl tickets ready. I'm not joking. That passing game is scary enough now. Add Dez Bryant and.....sheesh.

Maybe the spread offense really would work in the NFL!

You'd still have a first rounder, just a lower one. And the best bang for the buck in the draft ranges from 20 or so in the first round through the second round. You'd have your QB position settled without giving up a draft pick.

And come on. Most top ten picks are extremely overrated. Ndamukong Suh, Bryant and Berry are the only guys worth a top ten selection. And Suh and Berry will both be gone by the fifth pick. As for Bryant, he's projected at 7 at the earliest (if you'd like to take a moment to laugh about what mentally deranged sucker takes Jimmy Clausen in the top ten, go right ahead).

But Dez is not the guy for you, anyway. People always get this wrong. It's not about drafting for need. And it's not about drafting the best player available. It's about drafting the best player for you that's available.

There's a difference between these two teams. Cleveland, under Mangini, Heckert, and Holmgren, are where Houston was just a few years ago. A lot of holes, but the biggest hole was at QB. Remember, Browns fans, you won four games in a row to end the season averaging only NINETY yards passing!

How is that even possible? It shows that you're a lot closer to being good than your 5 and 11 record shows. A stupid penalty on Hank Poteat in the Detroit game lost it for you; otherwise you'd be 6 and 10. You have an improving defense, stars in Josh Cribbs and Jerome Harrison, an awesome left tackle in Joe Thomas, a great center in Alex Mack, a good cornerback in Eric Wright and two young, talented receivers. Yeah, you need help in the secondary. Sure. Trust your new front office to deal with that.

Dez Bryant in C-Town? That's like buying an expensive sports car without an engine. You're not a Dez Bryant away from serious contention. All Dez Bryant gets you is another WR with no QB. No, you don't need another WR. Dez is awesome. But he won't be without a QB.

Dez simply isn't the best player available for you. And let's face it, you don't want another WR with baggage. Unless, of course, you're longing for the good old days of Braylon Edwards. I doubt that you are. I don't blame you.

You need a QB. So Dez won't help you. He will help Philly. Their sports car has a badass engine. The Donovan-5000. Dez is--would be--the best player available for them.

You can cry about getting Quinn all the weapons you want if you like. It's a stupid argument. It's one that Micheal Vick apologists made for him for years. He still wasn't successful. Their new QB, Matt Ryan, is better with those weapons than Vick ever was. It's a BS argument made to protect a QB who is average at best. And Quinn isn't even average.

If Quinn is so good, why can't he even separate himself from DA, whom you all claim is so horrible? Why can't he lock down the starting position? No answer for that, huh?

You have the front office in place now. You have Holmgren (long time friend of Philly coach Andy Reid....hmmmmmmm.......). You have a great GM in Tom Heckert (who just came over from Philly....hmmmmmmmmm.....) and a fantastic coach in Mangini.

Remember me talking about smart franchises? Smart franchises produce winners. Look at who wins and doesn't win. The stats don't lie. Smart front offices produce consistent winners. Stupid front offices give you winners every five to ten years when the stars align just right.

Ozzie Newsome of Baltimore versus Phil Savage's tenure ruining the Browns. That pretty much shores up my point. Ozzie is smart. Phil is a self-promoting, arrogant moron who couldn't spot talent if it spit in his face.

One day, I will do that evaluation of Moron Phil's draft picks for Cleveland. You will shocked at his ineptitude. Romeo Crennel was screwed from the start having this idiot as his GM. Poor guy waits his whole career to be a head coach and gets saddled with that twit.

That, my friends, shows you that no good deed goes unpunished.

Now, C-Town, you have a smart front office. You have a great coach. You have guys who can and will make smart decisions. And getting the Browns a quarterback is the most important decision Mangini, Heckert, and Holgren will face this off season.

The Browns will release DA soon instead of paying him that 2 million dollar bonus. No doubt, he'll be devastated to leave a city that treated him oh so very well. Now you need to trade Quinn for a fourth or fifth. That's all he's worth.

You need a QB.

And I know just the man for the job. Don't make the same mistake that Opie Taylor's long lost uncle did.

Browns Nation, it's time to move on. It's time to put the ugliness this quarterback controversy has done to your fan base behind you. It's time to get behind your team again, and not one QB or the other. You're Browns fans, not QB fans. You wear those ugly colors and are proud to wear them!

You're BROWNS fans, not QUINN fans! You lost sight of this three years ago. Time to get your focus back.

It's time to get excited and this time, you're excitement is warranted. You're finally building the team you deserve. You have the president, general manager and coach you need to do it. Now it's time to get the right man to run the offense. It's time to cash in that mulligan! You missed Shaub, but you can make it right three years later!

Cleveland, it's time for Kevin Kolb.

Fuck You, Phil Fulmer!

The picture says it all.

You sir, are a bitter piece of crap!

When Lane Kiffin decided to leave the most overrated program in the SEC, Tennessee, you got your rotted old ass on a radio station and basically pissed down your leg. Yeah, everyone wanted to hear what the Volunteers' former coach had to say.

And there you were, saying Lane could "go to hell". Fuck you. Nobody outside of TN cares what you have to say, ass-suck. You wouldn't have done shit during your career had Peyton Manning not won you a national title.

But....before your suggestion for Lane's future travel plans, you had already gone one hundred steps too far. You had the audacity to insult Monte Kiffin, Lane's father, and former long-time Tampa Bay defensive coordinator.

Where do you get off basically saying that Monte is senile? You fucking worthless pile of shit. That man's forgotten more about football than you will ever know.

And TN lured away their own head coach tonight. Derrik Dooley (yes, son of longtime University of Georgia coach and athletic director Vince) from Louisiana Tech.

Oh, poor Volunqueer nation! You hated Lane Kiffin the minute he arrived. You rioted like the white-trash you are when he left. Then you said he sucked anyway. Well, if he sucked, why were you so pissed? Huh?

Hmmmmmm......took over a shitty team.....almost upset Alabama. Played Florida tough. Brought you a 7 and 6 season (which Phil Fuckbag Fulmer wouldn't have done). Left you with the sixth-rated recruiting class. Yeah, thing is, you know you had a good coach. He left for a relevant program, USC. Too fucking bad you people aren't relevant.

And too fucking bad you couldn't even get Duke's coach to take your overrated coaching job. Too fucking bad Will Muschamp, Texas' defensive coordinator, said "No thanks."

Too bad you had to hire a guy with a 17-20 record the last three years from Louisiana Tech. Wow. Really prestigious job you were offering, huh? Those fish weren't exactly jumping in the boat, huh?

Maybe Derrick can call Vince for some advice if he needs it. But he'd better check with Phil Fuckass first to see if Vince is senile.

After all, nobody's more of an expert in senility than Phil Fulmer. Just listen to him.

“Erik is our quarterback right now, but we have two quarterbacks.”

Wow. Brilliant. You mean to say that Erik (Ainge) is your starting QB, genius? Or were you trying to demonstrate that contrary to popular opinion, you could count to two?

“I don't know that we have been as dynamic offensively as I thought we would to this point.”

Fulshit explaining how his offensive sucked dick.

“We've bent over backward to do everything that we can to make this happen, ... including going down the day of the game.”

Actually, Tennessee went down quite a bit in their games. To defeat, that is.

“We will not put our athletes at risk at all.”

Phil explaining why he banned hookers from the weight room.

"I know how much better it is on everybody when you can rush the football."

Wow. No shit? Cars work better with engines too, just in case you didn't know.

"Neither one of them are Jason Allen, but injuries happen, and as you go through the year, you find new guys."

Phil demonstrating that he can actually tell some of his players apart.

"He answered it about like I thought he'd answer it."

Phil explaining how he handled recruits telling him to fuck off and that they were going to the University of Florida.

"We think they can both win for us, and that's the way we'll go until we see otherwise."

Fulmer demonstrating that when a team says it has two good quarterbacks, in reality, it doesn't have one good QB at all.

“Getting done what he got done, coming back here to win this football game at a place where he had been, I don't know if there is a better story in the world than what this guy has done.”

You mean, aside from your ass getting fired?

“I am so thrilled with this win. I can't tell you how proud I am of this football team and this staff, and the fight they had. There was absolutely no panic at halftime.”

That's cuz the team was listening to the defensive and offensive coordinators and not their head coach.

“So it's like Auburn and Georgia last year. That's the exact kind of performance we're going to need and we're going to look for.”

Phil apparently forgetting what university he actually used to coach at.

“He's going to be out some time, probably the remainder of the year. I don't know that, but that's what I'm assuming.”

Phil not realizing that a simple "I don't know," would suffice.

"I'm embarrassed about it."

Phil explaining his reaction to his adult diapers sticking out of his pants.

"That's why we have instant replay--to get the call right."

Phil demonstrating an amazing command of the fucking obvious.

"I was really happy, and I'm almost hesitant to say this, because every time I brag on him, he goes the other way, but Jon Wade played really impressive (Monday) night."

Phil either outing himself as a bisexual, or pumping up his player by accusing him of choking every time he pays him a compliment.

"This is no reflection on Rick Clausen, but I believe the timing will be better with one quarterback. Settling on one quarterback will help as much as anything."

Phil discovering, after decades of coaching, a fundamental rule of football that kids in high school know.

"We need to play a little bit better against the good people."

Wow. I mean....the insight required to make this statement......

"If I could sprinkle magic dust on it, heck, I'd fix it."

Phil getting a little too personal for everybody's taste.

"What do we do with this?"

Phil on his wedding night.

"I don't recall saying anything.....I just gave him a big hug."

Barney was grateful.

"Unacceptable. It starts with me, goes through the staff and then through the players and everybody associated with Tennessee football."

Phil explaining the mysterious outbreak of gonorrhea during the 2002 season.

"You can't blame this on one person. Everybody wants to say it's this person or that person. It's a combination of a lot of things and some you can fix hopefully in the short term and some of it may take longer to fix."

Phil simultaneously avoiding blame, spreading blame, and explaining that he'll need extra time to fix the things that he's to blame for.

"I don't know that we've done justice as to where we're going, but with what we've got, we've done the best that we can."

Phil basically saying his players are shit and all of the losses aren't his fault.

"We've been very unfortunate during the course of the year to not have anything good happen to us offensively."

Phil demonstrating his aggressive, take-charge approach to his team's offense.

"This has been a very difficult season for everyone, especially Randy."

I don't know who Randy is, but his ass just got thrown under the bus.

"Some of that is coming with experience. He's one of those guys who wants to try to make a play. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We want to use the system for what it is. There's nothing wrong with the system. It's always worked well in the past."

Phil throwing a player under the bus while demonstrating zero ability to adapt to the changes taking place in college football.

"Randy, in an unselfish gesture, has asked to step aside at the end of the season."

After Randy crawled out from under that bus, Good Ol' Phil told him he could quit or be fired.

"It was good we had an extra week of practice. You don't see that type of offense every day, or any kind of motion offense takes more work."

Yeah, the forward pass has confused many great minds.

"I'm going to defer to not answering that right now. It's a good question."

Apparently Phil preferred to answer bad questions.

"I can't concern myself with that."

Phil making reference to the fact that he hasn't recruited a quality QB since Peyton Manning.

"We've got some real challenges ahead. Obviously they start with Notre Dame."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, Notre Dame's really badass! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I was miserable during Christmas. I haven't had that as a head coach. I probably made everybody around me miserable."

Phil in a rare, insightful moment.

"It's obvious that we really underachieved on offense last season. And everybody contributed, including me."

Uh, if your offense underachieved.....then wouldn't that mean that everybody wasn't contributing?

"It's very difficult to argue with the folks who think we have a chance to be good."

Phil showing tremendous humility.

"We were the youngest defense in the conference at the beginning of the year."

So....did you master time travel and become the oldest defense by the end of the year?

"We've gotten our hands on more balls this two-a-day than I can remember in some time."

Um, okay.

"They split the reps (in practice). We have two quarterbacks. Whoever runs out first will be first."

Phil demonstrating the "last one in is a rotten egg" approach to his practices.

"Florida did a good job of doing what they needed to get done."

I have no doubt that what Florida got done was kicking his team's ass.

"I'm concerned about this weather that's apparently coming in, but that's not something we can do anything about today."

I guess Phil could only control the weather on certain days.

Yeah, if that sniveling bastard Phil Fulmer knows anything, it's about being fucking senile.

Kiss my ass, Fulmer, you fucking cunt. What's your email, you piece of shit? I wanna chat.